HATIN' ASS SPURRIER SURVEYS THE WORLD CUP

WATCH WHO YOU BITE, LUIS SUAREZ

World Cup is gonna feel like home for Virginia Tech fans. Nobody scores in double digits and somebody other than the Hokies winds up champion.

I'm not familiar with their soccer. But if their other work is any indication Germany will get out to a fast start, and then fade disastrously down the stretch.

Bosnia AND Herzegovina? That's like BOGO on small, peach brandy-making countries where everyone smokes. Hi, I'm Steve Spurrier, and that reminds me of the daily savings you get shopping at Publix. [THIS IS SPONSORED CONTENT]

A hat trick in soccer is when one fella scores three times. A hat trick in college football is Kenny Chesney.

Cristiano Ronaldo reminds me a lot of a younger, less masculine me, actually. More modest, though. Shirts are for funerals and...well, yeah, just funerals.

Nigeria! That's Big 12 defense right there.

Citizenship shouldn't be such an issue. We've let Urban Meyer coach for years and he's still got a Hell passport.

With North Korea not qualifying it's a shame Penn State fans won't have anyone to follow this time around.

Brazil's notorious for kidnapping and aggressive hookers, so it's basically Jackie Sherrill's house.

Don't know why rioting and poverty can hurt the World Cup. It's worked pretty well for LSU football.

I think Bret Bielema would be a great fit to run one of these teams. He definitely wouldn't lose nine games.

Will Muschamp hates soccer because the players throw the ball too much.

I know the Sun Belt's got some feisty teams, but I don't think Japan should have gotten a spot over an SEC squad.

England invented soccer, which seems weird until you remember that Rutgers played the first football game.

Brady Hoke would be a terrible goalie. That's a fella that never winds up with a clean sheet.

You know, Brazil's the only country to win FIVE world cups. That's quite an accomplishment. Five. Quite a number. In Spanish that's cinco. CINCO. [/holds up five at picture of Dabo he keeps in his pocket]

Greece is bankrupt and still made the World Cup so, hey, you can make this thing work, Randy Edsall.

Little tip: if Mike Price invites you to "watch Portuguese football," bring a towel. And a burner phone.

Belgium. Shit, that's like Diet Cherry France.

Auburn didn't even make Group D this year? Guess some of the tutors quit.

Italy gets criticized for pretendin' to be hurt but England doesn't for pretendin' to have a chance to win. Seems inconsistent if you ask me.

Sepp Blatter? Yeah, I think Bobby Bowden came down with that. Nothing a little Vesicare can't fix.

If they can play for the Japanese national team, I bet you can get a Pokemon into Ole Miss.

Iran's an isolated religious totalitarianism, just like BYU. The main difference is Jim Delany might consider letting Iran join his conference.

Luis Suarez better not bite anybody if he visits Arkansas. That's a marriage proposal there.

Spain's probably like Texas Tech: too much passin', known for handsome men. What's Lubbock's thoughts on Jewish folk? That's kind of important for accuracy's sake here.

Can't say a country as skinny as Chile would ever succeed in the SEC.

Russian soccer players at the World Cup probably feel like Iowa football players at a bowl game - just happy to not be back home.

Florida fans should pull for the US, because they ain't getting to five wins either.

Tricky part about soccer is you never know how much time they're gonna tack on at the end. It's Saban's worst nightmare.

You know a swarm of Brazilian piranha can't really skeletonize a cow in five minutes, right? I bet Bo Pelini and Luis Suarez could, though.

Argentina are the "White Stars," so I guess we already know who Skip Bayless will be talking about.

Oregon fans got money and hate questions from the authorities. Switzerland welcomes y'all!

Don't know how you have a Group of Death without George O'Leary.

I don't know much about Algeria. But I bet Clemson's showers test positive for it.

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