THE PAC 12 WORST-CASE CONFERENCE PREVIEW

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

OH GOD LEACH FOUND THE GRENADES

Hey, look at that! Less than 100 days until football, and I'm sure your team is going to have just the best season ever. Unless, of course, they don't, which is where our Worst-Case Conference Previews come in. You're up, Pac-12 fans.

ARIZONA: Rich Rodriguez's commitment to cinematic excellence begins to conflict with his more traditional football duties, and the Wildcats suffer early home losses to Nevada and USC. Wins against Washington State and UCLA renew hope for the program, but that is dashed quickly after Arizona suffers a four touchdown loss to Colorado while Rodriguez spends the entire game silent and dressed as Edward Scissorhands. (He is very sorry for that side judge who lost his pinky finger, however.)

ARIZONA STATE: You're expecting a joke about Todd Graham leaving, aren't you? But what if...
(swirls cape)
(slowly waves hand through air)
(foreboding synth music)
...it turned out he'd never been there at all?

CAL: Hal Mumme just wants to crash for a couple of weeks. He's totally got a place lined up but the landlord's out of town and there's this whole credit check but it's going to be fine. Say, can Hal Mumme use this bicycle? Hal's gotta so see Crazy Mike down by the docks. Don't follow Hal Mumme. Crazy Mike won't like that one bit.

COLORADO: Loss to Hawaii means Colorado has to clean Norm Chow's garage. Norm Chow's garage has sooooooooooo many open cans of cat food.

OREGON: Undefeated in Pac-12 North. Lose to Sarkisian in the conference championship. Somehow make the playoff. Lose to Sarkisian again in the first round.

OREGON STATE: Mike Riley announces he's retiring at the end of the year, and the team runs off a respectable nine win season, capped off with a win in the Holiday Bowl.

Then Oregon State hires Charlie Weis.

STANFORD: Undefeated entering the regular season finale against UCLA, but then the power goes out and it turns out you forgot to turn on auto-save shiiiiiiiiiiiit.

UCLA: Opens the season with losses to Virginia, Memphis, and Texas. The collective psychic anguish from Bruins fans causes all avian life on Earth to die out, and our world is overrun by insects. The insects name Dan Guerrero athletic director for life.

USC: It's too late. He's got your scent and nothing left to lose. You do not know when he will strike. But strike Ed Orgeron will, and all you can pray for is that your death is quick and your flesh is cooked long enough to avoid gristle.

UTAH: After suffering a fourth loss at Arizona State, the entire team decides not to return to Salt Lake to finish out the season. They're happier now in Phoenix, where they've opened up a store that sells succulents and handmade t-shirts that say "Easy Does It."

WASHINGTON: Disastrous three win season which concludes with Chris Petersen ripping off his Mission: Impossible style mask to reveal that he is a dangerously underweight Dan Hawkins.

WASHINGTON STATE: Mike Leach finds out where you keep the key to the armory.

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