THE BIG TEN ALSO SAYS NO

Jeff Hanisch-US PRESSWIRE

WE ARE NAYSAYERS, LIKE HORSES #FOLLOWADAM_JACOBI

This week in the Big Ten, we're totally picking up what you're putting down. At least, we think we do. So take a break from reading Johnny Manziel's sexual harassment lawsuit* and join us.

RUTGE-

Nope. Nope nope nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

MICHIGAN

This explains a lot. The T-1000 was known for his proud tradition, physicality, the ability to stab people through milk cartons with his sword hands, and ultimately being defeated by a strong opponent working with a complete fucking ninny** who tried to make America think "eat me" was a proper response to a question." The similarities are rampant.

Michigan's softball team is not fucking around. They've been fucking around-free since 1985 and have won 7 straight Big Ten titles. They don't even know how to fuck around. They beat Florida State 17-3 yesterday. Carol Hutchins for President.

Ann Arbor street performers: not bad.

OHIO STATE

White-collar crime: you probably shouldn't do it. Though OXYWater pretty much sells itself in mid-Ohio.

Gordon Gee made $6 million but we can't afford to pay players because then who would have paid for Gordon Gee's bow ties?

Columbus is continuing to grow, like a beautiful flower that is also bent on destroying dreams. #imbiased

MICHIGAN STATE

Well, this is terrifying.

No thank you.

Pat Narduzzi is "not impressed" with MSU's spring defense. He also thought that "True Detective" was kind of meh and isn't very excited about the new Run the Jewels album. "Cronuts are so early 2014," he often says. He also only enjoys television as a meta analysis on the psychology of the American middle class and he still listens to Sonic Youth but only the early stuff and only the B-sides because he's not some freaking poseur, okay?

I hope to never be described as "oft-injured."

NEBRASKA

Yes, I thought this was real, because Quentin Tarantino doing a movie about Nebraska football would be beyond awesome. Not sure how he'd include 25 onscreen deaths, but I'm sure he'd make it work.

The University of Nebraska's server got hacked, so I sure hope you password-protected that violent graphic novel depicting the gruesome murder of Bill Callahan by a corncob that comes to life.

GIRD YOUR KNEES, NEBRASKA.

WISCONSIN

Wisconsin grads got to "Jump Around" and there was little to no chance of a bizarre Sparty Hail Mary touchdown pass bringing down the moment.

Wait, Wisconsin has wolf season? Which I assume is a season in which we all recognize how awesome wolves are and we get wolves presents and cards and maybe even a cake? Do they make entrail cake? They should.

Well, that's a horrifying thought.

Congrats to this Wisconsin WW2 vet on his award from the French government. He won the Purple Heart and Silver Star for taking a bridge under intense machine-gun fire from German forces, after which he spent six weeks in a Paris hospital recuperating and, I assume, telling the Nazis to fucking suck it. Happy Memorial Day, sir.


MINNESOTA

Bill Clinton will be speaking at Minnesota next month, so save all your very timely jokes about Monica Lewinsky's Vanity Fair piece until then.

I don't think I could find time to steal 143 cars, but I guess I'm just not trying hard enough.

Oh man, the 2018 Super Bowl is going to be so, so great. So great. No way being outdoors in early February in Minnesota will end in horrific frozen tragedy.***


IOWA

This headline is weird.

I only read the headline so I'm just going to assume these Iowa gymnasts were involved in a "Gymkata"-style crime ring and used their feats of flexibility and strength to take down various Iowa City establishments.

It's Iowa! How could it not be welcoming? It's made of cheese and beer and tight ends! Ricky freaking Stanzi! Hawkeyes! Black and gold! Kirk Ferentz and Kirk Ferentz's giant contract!

Is Iowa the NFL's farm team? It's very farm-like, so maybe.

PENN STATE

At this point, I'm pretty sure James Franklin is going to have his team run through Gettysburg. Does this make Christian Hackenberg "Sunshine?" I say yes.

I'd forgotten that PSU's season opener is in Dublin. Stay safe, Ireland.

Uh, this... uh... okay, headline writer.

NORTHWESTERN

The unionization issue will never, ever die. It is the Zsa Zsa Gabor of issues.

Illegal towing is a thing and this woman is going to stop it.

Illinois' marijuana laws are super confusing.

PURDUE

Summer enrollment is allegedly up at Purdue. I once drove through West Lafayette in late June. It is the most desolate place I have ever been in my entire life. Tunis during the Second World War had more going on.

As a history major, this is the exact opposite of "things I would do." But if you ever want to have a deep discussion of the Battle of Kursk, I'm your girl.

Purdue is serving alcohol at a sporting event for the first time. Sadly, it is not at a football or basketball game, where it could do its healing work on the good people who have voluntarily chosen to watch Purdue football or basketball.

INDIANA

Wow, Tom Crean must be desper- oh. Nevermind.

Indiana football versus arson is the Lincoln-Douglas debate of our time.

Speaking of Indiana football, it sounds like they got through spring practice without any deaths so its going to be a great season!

ILLINOIS

Apparently this has nothing to do with fixing Illinois' complete dog show of a football team.

Plastic that can repair itself is a pretty cool and yet sort of terrifying concept.

Is this really "winning" though?

*There is absolutely no way this is real. None. There's an episode of "CSI" involving the murder of an adult baby fetishist in his in-home "nursery" and I buy that happening in real life roughly 200 times more than I buy this lawsuit.

**I hate T2:Judgment Day's John Connor. He is the most irritating character in a film who isn't killed or eaten by a dinosaur while using the bathroom. Sarah Connor should have tried to go back in time to get a less annoying kid.

*** I should mention that I am pro-Frozen Super Bowl. Have the Super Bowl on the planet Hoth for all I care. In fact, play the game from the backs of Tauntauns. This is the third best idea I've had so far today.

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