DO NOT ACCEPT A NICKNAME FROM DARREN ROVELL

Andrew Richardson-USA TODAY Spor

IT WILL BE AWFUL

Darren Rovell is probably good at a very certain set of things but whenever he ventures away from his Excel spreadsheet and tries to be creative he struggles. Today he dropped this bomb on us:

Johnny Rocket is the worst nickname ever. My mom used to call me "Jacob the Great" and would write it on all my stuff and I would always get embarrassed. This nickname is way worse though. Worst nickname ever. Well, it was until I saw it and got all excited and decided to try and top it.

Jadeveon Clownfish (Clowney) - I guess because of his swim move. Little known fact: Clowney can breathe underwater.

Greg Robin's Egg (Robinson) - You know, because he can fly. Or something. He's also blue. (Disclaimer: Robinson cannot fly and is not blue)

Aaron Rebecca Donaldson (Donald) - because he's as beautiful as Rebecca from Full House. Aaron Donald reminds me of a sexy, full grown ham.

Calvin Prior (Pryor) - He has played football before. I also have played football before but I was not very good. Regardless, I will now begin calling myself Prior.

Teddy Fridgewater - Because he's automatic and reliable? Also works if he ends up getting super fat.

Ryan Shaffer (Shazier) - I have a friend named Shaffer who likes football.

Dee Ford the River (Ford) - Like in Oregon Trail? I guess? Or maybe Dee Fjord, because it sticks out how good he is? Are you even reading this, Darren?

AJ McChairron - A chair is like a bench.

Sammy Watkins Glen (Watkins) - This is a race track I think and Sammy Watkins runs fast. Not as fast as a NASCAR car but maybe like a Ford Probe or something.

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