Kliff Kingsbury is gorgeous. I'm not here to debate this. I'm just stating facts. He looks like if Ryan Gosling had a baby with Bradley Cooper and they only fed it organic food and started taking it tanning at like age four. He's everything I want to be. I love you, Kliff Kingsbury. This is my tribute to you.
Klifford (maybe?) "Killer Looks" Kingsbury recently admitted that single moms of recruits have tried to hit on him, and that he just goes with it. This is because he is a sensible, intelligent man who is trying to build Texas Tech into a national powerhouse and what better way to do that than to just let ladies get lost in your eyes? Now obviously there is only so much time Big Pretty can spend in the homes of single moms (I want this man's life), so he needs some way of finding/communicating with potential recruits' moms and selling them on himself and the program.
How can he do this without going on the road? [Tinder walks in, drunk as shit and high fiving everyone]
That's right, the dating app Tinder is the perfect way for Kliff to get his beautiful smile out to the masses from the comfort of his own home. The question you are now wondering is "Will this work?" (Actually you're probably wondering if I'm drunk or something but I'm not) Well, wonder no more! I did the hard work already. Using nothing but my cell phone, Kliff Kingsbury's symmetrical face, and Ginuwine lyrics, I went out looking for hot moms and future Heisman winners.
As you may know, Tinder requires you to link the app to your Facebook account and only use pictures from there. It also draws your age from there. This is done in an effort to prevent catfishing, because it is *so* hard to create a fake Facebook account.
Actually, it's not! At all! Meet Griff Cheeseman. When I started my experiment, I was only going to use Ginuwine lyrics and was going to see how young Kliff could pass for. The answer was 26.
After discussing the plan with the also handsome (probably, I have no idea) Ryan Nanni, the plan shifted.
Griff would be the exact same age as Kliff and would be looking for ladies aged 30 and older. "The cream of the crop" as I like to call them. His bio would contain no information other than that he is a football coach and a Ginuwine fan and his lead picture would be him and a dog and Wes Welker making finger guns.
The next step in the experiment was to furiously swipe right for like an hour because I have no life at all.
By the time it was all said and done (aka by the time I had to delete the app from my phone because the notifications were going to result in it spontaneously combusting at any minute), Griff had done pretty well for himself.
Those 120 matches didn't include the ten or so that I had to block because they got real weird. I don't blame them. I'd do the same if I thought Kliff was into me.
Initial efforts proved fruitless because the lyrics to Pony are very recognizable.
But Kliff is not the kind of person to just give up and neither was Griff. The search for the next great Texas Tech quarterback continued, but with a slightly different approach.
I don't think she really understood. I'm not even sure I understood.
Christina wasn't interested, so I agree her daughter probably would suck at football.
Claudia would go on to message Griff four more times while getting no response before being blocked.
Maria appreciated Griff's direct approach and decided to try the same tactic. I agree. Griff is very good looking.
From what I can gather, Amanda's son's name is Yed.
This was one of my personal favorites. I think this lady is using a threat to kick Griff in the balls as a come-on? I'm not sure? I'm into it though for sure.
I WANT WINNERS.
I think we've found us an arm! (Not really though because her kid graduates college in three weeks! Congrats little guy!)
This is the only L Griff took. She would never respond to this message. Her bio actually said "I like football," but Griff couldn't be bothered with "reading" or whatever.
Finally, I found someone with her head on a swivel that is looking out for her child's future. I like this lady. I bet we have a lot in common.
So what have we learned? First of all, Kliff Kingsbury could do numbers on Tinder. He wouldn't even have to try. Just flash those pearly whites and creepily throw suggestive song lyrics and panties drop straight through the floor. We've also learned that the Big 12, as well as the rest of the country, needs to be very afraid because Griff Cheeseman and Kliff Kingsbury both get what they want.
Oh and here's a conversation I had with @actioncookbook about my endeavors and how they affected my real life relationship: