THE BIG TEN WILL GET BACK TO BUSINESS NEXT WEEK, WE PROMISE

RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRR. - IndieWire.com

This week is going to end in STYLIZED VIOLENCE.

It's been a slow week in the Big Ten: James Franklin is still likable, Michigan is still printing cash (with Real Madrid and Man U!), Michigan State's Adreian Payne don't give a fuuuuuck, the state of Illinois is still trying to destroy lives, Nebraska is...uh...

Wisconsin is still playing some game somewhere, Ohio State is still making coloring book jokes, Minnesota is NIT CHAMPION!!, Iowa is still working on this HBO thing, Purdue is having debates that clearly won't go wrong at all of course not, and Indiana is straight squirrels, man.

So let's venture outside of the Big Ten, and find ourselves something to do this fine April weekend. As the spring edges towards its ascent to its pollen-producing zenith, let's remember that it all comes down to KICKING PEOPLE IN THE FUCKING FACE. Do what Eartha Kitt would do, and dive in.

WATCH:

Dear reader, you should know a few things about the person whose words you have kindly taken the time to read:

1.) I am an excellent speller.

2.) I once ran directly into a wall and split my head open.

3.) I greatly enjoy watching people get kicked in the face.

If you do not like watching people get brutally murdered and violently kicked in the face, you will not like The Raid series. Here is a video of the best fight scenes from The Raid: Redemption. You will note a preponderance of death, bananas hallway fight scenes, and motherfuckers getting kicked right in the goddamn face. It's like "Enter the Dragon," but if Enter the Dragon were all the final mirrored room fight scene and no long shots of people in boats showing up on the island. The only thing that could make The Raid movies better were if Tony Jaa showed up with no explanation and proceeded to break every bone on every person in the damn movie.

LISTEN:

If I had the opportunity to make a Faustian bargain with Satan himself, it would basically be like "hey Jane, would you like to DESTROY WORLDS on the drums while Robert Plant sings lyrics allegedly inspired by William Blake?" "YES HERE IS MY SOUL SHOULD I SEND IT GROUND OR CAN I SHIP IT TWO-DAY." This song is ten minutes and twenty-two seconds of GETTING ROCKED.

VAGUELY REMEMBER:

I am 26, and I was born in 1987. If you are between the ages of roughly 23-28, the above video should fill you with a knowing terror and the memory of it being 9:30 on a Saturday night and that meaning it was time for the members of the Midnight Society (who, by the way, were apparently permitted to wander out into the woods at night at a time when my parents were still debating if I was old enough to walk down the street by myself) to tell the SCARIEST FUCKING STORIES EVER TOLD. Oh, and now they're all online. Remember the 13th floor episode? Remember Watcher's Woods? Remember why in the name of god our parents were like, "sure, it's on Nickelodeon, I'm sure it's fine for small innocent children who haven't done anything worse than maybe set fire to a trash can once and that was an accident as far as you know"? I need to lie down.

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