A PUBLIX SHOPLIFTING PLAYLIST

OF COURSE THIS HAS DOOBIE BROTHERS ON IT ARE YOU INSANE

Shopping at Publix is a pleasure for many reasons, but one of the big ones is the soundtrack. That's true even if you're not participating in the whole payment part of the trip, so Fearless Leader and I created your ideal Publix shoplifting playlist. It is only 11 songs long, because if you're in Publix for more than 11 songs just be honest and admit you're avoiding going home to your family.

1. "A Thousand Miles," Vanessa Carlton.

Shoplifting is a journey, both literally (the seafood section is all the way in the back of Publix, after all) and emotionally. You will need to prepare yourself for that journey, for it is a marathon, and not a sprint. Because if you sprint they will know you are shoplifting, and also it is hard to sprint with a two liter of Barq's stuffed in your sweatpants.

2. "Constant Craving," K.D. Lang

A song about the human condition of perpetual hunger that also includes the poignant lines "maybe a great magnet pulls/ all souls to what's true." That line is about Publix crab legs, because kd lang is a vegan, and her body is crying out for real food that came from things you boil alive in hot water and tear apart with your bare hands. P.S. If kd lang eats protein she will grow to her full natural 15 foot size and rule Manitoba with an iron fist and a velvet heart. Drop her in the middle of Jazzfest and watch her deadlift a mail truck.

3. "What A Fool Believes," The Doobie Brothers

Michael McDonald has shoplifted crabs for years from the display case at the Franklin, TN Publix. He and his wife Megazord live happily with them on their crab rescue farm. When Michael McDonald dies, the crabs will carry his body to Don Henley's house and frame him for murder. AS IT WAS WRITTEN. (McDonald 2:17-25)

4. "Linger," The Cranberries.

This song is about everything, and nothing, and while you're trying to figure out exactly what it means to you personally you've already passed through the sliding doors. You have not stolen, you have simply liberated that bag of Fritos from its fluorescently-lit prison. Now you are a hero.

5. "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car," Billy Ocean

Part of the signature Publix experience is a complimentary escort to your car. That means the parking lot is swarming with potential threats to your clean escape. And that means you may have to kidnap a bagger. Billy Ocean recognizes that reality, and he thinks there's no reason you can't make it a danceable experience. Get in the back seat, baby!

6. "Chasing Pavements," Adele

Adele would steal crab legs not because she is a larger woman, but because she just seems like the kind of person who'd think shoplifting was fun.

7. Any song by The Fray

No jury would convict.

8. "Take A Bow," Madonna

Did you even have a choice to steal those pork tenderloins? Weren't you just a player on a larger cosmic stage, destined to shoplift and devoid of any agency in the process? And who said shoplifting was worse because you weren't wearing underwear, and that was very obvious in those Umbros? Society? Society does not understand your sexuality. And it never will.

9. "Sara," Fleetwood Mac

Drowning

In a sea of crabs

Where everyone

would hate to drown

Because they're crabs

and their claws are sharp

Imagine being eaten by that weird mouth

It'd probably suck

fuck crabs

--Stevie Nicks

10. "Same Old Lang Syne," Dan Fogelberg

It's a song about lost love and grocery stores and drinking in your car and how nothing really ever gets better you just keep living until you don't and oh god this song is about you Mike Sherman it's always been about you it doesn't even matter if you get away with this margarine tub Diane is never coming back.

11. "Torn," Natalie Imbruglia

Just blare this as you're roaring out of the parking lot. That way, every eye witness will tell the cops that 1997 stole that bag of limes.

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