Alabama: (imagines loss to Tennessee)
(a Tennessee team that still goes 5-7)
(oh man Lane Kiffin's face after that game)
(world's tree supply is exhausted for use in printing "FIRE SABAN HE BROUGHT THE INFIDEL INTO OUR MIDST" flyers)
(massive erosion, human life on Earth comes to an end)
Arkansas: Any scenario in which Arkansas wins less than 8 games and Louisville wins 8 or more. No, wait. Arkansas and Louisville both make the Music City Bowl, Bielema announces a week before the bowl that he's leaving for an NFL job, but Arkansas stomps Louisville. The confusion as to whether or not Jeff Long should bring back Petrino will rip time itself in half.
Auburn: Road loss to Kansas State in Week 4 exposes the SEC as a fraud able to be beaten by both the ACC and the Big 12. The conference collapses and within five years every former SEC school is known only for its Quiz Bowl and robot building teams. WAR ROBOEAGLE.
Florida: After Florida loses to Georgia for the fourth consecutive year, Will Muschamp is summoned to Jeremy Foley's office to be fired but suddenly transforms out of his Hulk'd self into his original form: Derek Dooley. "I have always prided myself on being a fair man," Foley will say in the ensuing press conference, "and for that reason I am deciding to give Derek a three year contract. He didn't lose those games. The other guy did."
Georgia: It turns out Todd Grantham was running the offense all along!
Kentucky: Mark Stoops accidentally leaves his defensive playbook on an airplane. It turns out to just say "Iowa Head Coach Mark Stoops" in various bubble fonts and ink colors. There are also an unusual number of dinosaur stickers.
LSU: N/A. Predicting what a Les Miles team will do in a given season, even in jest, is a waste of time. The man does not respect the limits of the natural world; he will got 11-2, 4-8, and 5-1 all in the same season.
Mississippi State: Beat the six worst teams on their schedule, lose to the best six. So basically every Mississippi State season under Dan Mullen.
Missouri: Lose to Toledo on the road and the Hoosiers at home, making Mizzou fans in Ohio and Indiana so embarrassed that they refuse to attend any Home and/or Boat Shows all year. This devastates the Home and Boat Show economy, and America becomes a shadow of her former self.
Ole Miss: 11-1. But the one is to Memphis.
South Carolina: Steve Spurrier says just the wrong thing and goes from "hilarious old guy without a filter" to "out-of-touch geezer with shamefully regressive opinions." Then they hire Bob Toledo or something.
Tennessee: Dave Hart.
Texas A&M: A defiant Johnny Manziel, eager to take a stand against the NCAA and amateurism, hires a helicopter to dump a cargo net full of gold ingots over Kyle Field during the home opener. So many injured Aggie fans. And Lamar.
Vanderbilt: Embarrassing losses to Temple, UMass, and Florida contribute to a 2-10 season that ruins much of the recruiting progress made under the previous staff.