THE BIG TEN IS MAXIN' AND RELAXIN'

I AM VERY SERIOUS I AM A VERY SERIOUS MAN RABBLE RABBLE LET'S MADE IT A 16 TEAM LEAGUE. - Reid Compton-US PRESSWIRE

ASKING THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS, LIKE "WHAT DOES 'HANGRY' MEAN?"

The Big Ten is very much like this very chill orangutan.

140417_wild_orangutan

via www.slate.com

Sure, this 14-year-old male orangutan was found with pellets from an air gun in its body, and sure, the Big Ten will probably add in Southern Illinois University and ITT Tech and wherever your ex said they went to school but you weren't really paying attention, and sure, you're still probably going to get wrecked by some ACC/SEC team in some random bowl game, but it's all good. No worries, man. Just lay back, chill, and let Jim Delany handle it.

MICHIGAN

Best of luck, Nik and GR3. And those of you poo-pooing players going pro after two years - if someone said you could have millions of dollars at 20 years old but you'd have to miss your final two years of college, you'd say yes before they got past the word "dollars."

"Drunkenly shooting off a shotgun" in Ann Arbor is like publicly advocating for the Republican party in Portland - that shit ain't gonna fly.

Winter will never, ever end.

This is real, and Michigan is a strange, apparently poop-filled place.

OHIO STATE

WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS AND GET YOUR DAMN VACCINATIONS, COLUMBUS.

Miley Cyrus, in your jerseys, looking like Miley.

'Hanger' is real, and terrifying, especially if it involves someone who is driving you to Trader Joe's and appears to be prepared to murder you in cold, produce-filled blood. Just have a damn Larabar and calm down.

ILLINOIS

Illinois has new uniforms, but regrettably has not disguised its football team as something other than the Illinois football team.

Ohio State will play Illinois at home at night. Here is the last time that happened, involving terrorgod Juice Williams and J "I now work for BTN" Leman:

DON'T SPREAD INFECTIOUS TUBERCULOSIS OKAY GUYS? OKAY.

IOWA

Iowa is hosting a philosophy camp, and if you are sending your children to philosophy camp, please take a long, stern look at yourself in the mirror, because your kid does not want to go to philosophy camp, they want to be left the fuck alone. Signed, someone whose mother would have totally sent her to philosophy camp.

Whoa there, you just keep that "talent" covered up, okay? Don't need another indecent exposure arrest.

"Should kids under 14 be able to fire guns?"

WISCONSIN

"Prescription Drug Take-Back Day" should be followed by "Nah, I'm not making it into the office, my, uh, back is uh, hurting or something, so I'm just going to sit here on the couch and not move for 12 hours no everything's fine no need to call me or anything" Day.

The newest cheese experts have graduated, full of vim and vigor and untainted and unsullied by the horrors of the cheese industry. They're so young. They're all...so young.

Small-town crazy litigious people are the foundation of our small-town newspapers. Particularly when they wear banana suits.

MICHIGAN STATE

Sometimes Pat Narduzzi doesn't like the effort. Sometimes I think that the plot lines on "Brooklyn 99" don't really reflect the realities of real police work.

Is Lawrence Thomas actually an animal? Because that sounds illegal.

DON'T KILL PEOPLE OVER DRUGS, GUYS. ESPECIALLY OVER MARIJUANA, BECAUSE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? IF YOU ARE GETTING AGGRESSIVE ENOUGH AFTER SMOKING WEED TO TAKE ON ANYTHING ABOVE A CHIPOTLE BURRITO BOWL AND AN EPISODE OF "PLANET EARTH" ("SHALLOW SEAS," PLAYA) YOU ARE SMOKING THE WRONG FUCKING SHIT.

PURDUE

The Purdue provost says that Purdue "must do better" and apparently isn't referring directly to Matt Painter.

AJ Hammons is coming back to Purdue, so Purdue will probably have a basketball team next year.

I'd just like to note that the Purdue newspaper is called "The Daily Exponent."

NEBRASKA

Speaking as a millennial, a "millennial campus expansion" will require high-power wifi and episodes of "Clarissa Explains It All" available upon request.

"Dancing robot drones" is going up there with "emails from student loan corporations" and "unexpected phone calls from family members" on the list of things that fill me with terror.

No one ever wants the "cache of weapons" roommate.

PENN STATE

DO NOT READ THE COMMENTS OH DEAR GOD DO NOT READ THE COMMENTS

Penn State's been earning those recruits like a motherfucker. Keep that shit.

Penn State's obelisk is a confusing obelisk.

MINNESOTA

Minnesota lost the national championship game to Union in hockey.

They did not handle it well.

Knowing Minnesotans, I assume course ratings are incredibly polite.

INDIANA

Giving Meryl Streep an honorary degree continues to be the best decision Indiana has made since at least 2004.

Wheel of Fortune gaffes are the worst gaffes. Come on, guy.

Biggest changes for IU basketball next year? Making a tournament, maybe, probably, probably not.

NORTHWESTERN

Fuck casual marijuana smokers, I want AAU smokers, Division 1 smokers, semi-pro smokers, and the highest level of all, professional marijuana smokers. They could wear jerseys and everything.

A LEGO resume sounds like a solid way to creatively not get to the second interview.

We're going to be fighting about this unionization thing for the rest of time, aren't we.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9341_tracker