NICK SABAN POSES FOR HUMAN PHOTOGRAPH

Butch Dill

CANCEL ALL HUMAN APPOINTMENTS FOR 2014

Okay, Nick. Human picture capture time. Bare teeth. Pull corners of food hole upward with muscular tension. Locate camera with eyes. This play is made with the eyes. Think like a safety. Find the ball!

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Arms--playbook contains no info on arms. Option one: extend across shoulders. Protection issue: FEMALES. Must respect athletes as champions and women. Best to keep arms slack at sides, locate ball, keep food-hole in smile rictus.

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ISSUE: arms may graze lady parts. Playbook consulted with NO SOLUTIONS FOUND. Consult playclock, note that you are already three recruiting calls behind on day. Make mental note in Champions' Log: NO MORE PICTURES OR FACETALKING OUTSIDE OF FOOTBALL OFFICES. Forget all first names to make more disk space for blitzes.

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Arms still awkardly at sides. ISSUE: contact with human flesh made. ADJUSTMENT: hunker shoulders in and find hole in zone. ISSUE: girl is leaning in to make contact. SIGHT ADJUSTMENT: angle body, maintain profile through hole. NOTE: do kidneys help you coach? If not, can coaches function on just one for simplicity and ease of gameplanning to avoid worrying about redundant kidney? Will investigate.

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Picture imminent. Display food hole. Goddammit, I could be recruiting, you wiry little dwarves. ISSUE: TOUCHING. FOUND: NO SIGHT ADJUSTMENTS AVAILABLE. Cancel remaining human engagements for 2014. Order oatmeal creme pies and hide in film room until August.

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