THE BIG TEN REPORT SAYS YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST STOP NOW

Let's go my conference let's go :: clap clap :: - Fox News

Now the Mountain West is looking at us funny. Is that what you want?

This week in the Big Ten: potholes, tragedy, disease, and indecent exposure charges. But first:

1.) The Big Ten is moving to New York, where it will learn so much about itself and how it interacts with its friends and how much its friends have changed since college and like, everything's just so different now, guys.

2.) There are a few ways to respond to this massive SBNation expose on how college players get paid. Many of those ways are acceptable. Not acceptable: claiming that this is an SEC issue and utilizing the first 50 comments to argue that this would never happen in the Big Ten and fuck the SEC.

Guys.

Come on.

Don't make me bring up things. The Big Ten is just as sordid and repulsive as any other conference. It's just colder and worse at football and you're more like to witness a game that ends 9-3 but is not a defensive contest but rather is proof that there truly is no god.

GUYSGUYS. DON'T DO THIS. THIS IS WHY PEOPLE DON'T LIKE US, GUYS.

MICHIGAN

This is the most Ann Arbor pothole solution that didn't involve divesting from a Middle Eastern country.

Meaning: he is, but not right now, so stop saying it.

So you're NOT supposed to drive to work drunk. Okay.

The "mystery pooper" is a mystery that should be quickly solved. Please. Please please please.

OHIO STATE

I would give up at least fifteen minutes of my life to know what the hell they talk about. I would assume "hygiene" and "destroying lives."

Another reminder that you are 700 years old and will probably die soon. Just an FYI.

STOP SPREADING DISEASES, GUYS.

MICHIGAN STATE

There is a surprisingly high number of MSU fans who go to Michigan, and this is what happens to them.

RIP, Lacey. You were and are such an incredibly amazing little girl, and you'll be so missed by so many.

ILLINOIS

Nike is making Illinois new uniforms because that'll help!

Did you know that Rashard Mendenhall retired from the NFL? And will be at Illini camp? And apparently had beef with Ron Zook wait yeah that totally makes sense.

INDIANA

This primer is helpful, but everything you need to know about Indiana football you could learn by throwing a television off a building.

If you are a hawk and you are "running away," you are not doing this "hawk" thing very well.

IOWA

Iowa has so many running backs what could possibly go NO AIRBHG NOOOOOOOOO

Ah, the "faulty belt" excuse. Wondering what part of the nonworking belt forced him to make lewd gestures and statements.

The NFL don't want your running back voodoo, Iowa. Sorry.

PURDUE

Not sure why Purdue's astronaut alumni haven't been asked to take over the athletic department. If they can get into orbit, they could get Purdue into a bowl game.

Addressing Purdue football's issues would take a three-episode arc of "Dr. Phil," but okay.

DO NOT GO TO A MATT PAINTER BASKETBALL CAMP DON'T DO IT DON'T IT'S JUST LEARNING HOW TO TEAR YOUR ACL AND TRANSFER OUT OF THE CONFERENCE AND LOSE AT THE LAST POSSIBLE SECOND ON A CROSS-COURT INBOUNDS PASS THAT DIDN'T MAKE ANY GODDAMN SENSE.

PENN STATE

James Franklin's talking about some things.

A Penn State Coaches Caravan is comin' to your cit-ay.

"The finer points of murder" okay headline guy/Faye Kellerman.

MINNESOTA

Minnesota's playing for a national championship in the Frozen Four, the single-most anxiety-inducing set of games in college sports. Like being shoved out of a plane repeatedly.

This is great BUT WHY DO YOU LIVE SOMEWHERE SO COLD YOU LOSE A FREAKING HAND?

WISCONSIN

TMZ has all of your acapella chorus-battle news.

I'm pro-legalization, but this will definitely lead to someone falling asleep in a snowdrift after eating 6 slices of Ian's and watching "A Scanner Darkly" again.

Madison "not fit for any civilized nation" which, yeah, makes sense.

NORTHWESTERN

Here are a few articles about Northwestern athletes' fight to unionize. Trevor "unstoppable throw god" Siemian is apparently not in favor.

Stephen Colbert went to Northwestern, as did my father, but my father is more noted for telling me that swimming pool chemicals would turn me Caucasian and he is not taking over for David Letterman.

NEBRASKA

Nebraska is movin' on up - the list of schools with the highest number of on-campus alcohol arrests.

So you're telling me Taylor Martinez really isn't coming back? Are you sure?

Nebrasketball is the sensation that will continue sweeping the nation because Tim Miles is awesome and also maybe under 5'6.

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