— Waffle House (@WaffleHouse) April 1, 2014
It is April 1st, Waffle House, and that means we believe nothing you say, and shouldn't be taking this personally. We especially shouldn't be taking this personally on behalf of another SEC tribe on the day when social media consists almost entirely of lies. (This makes it different than any other day in that shut up. Just shut up and keep reading.)
Yet if this is indeed Waffle House fucking with the souls of Aggies who, as SEC members, should by contract have a Waffle House in their town? This transcends all imaginable cruelty pardoned in the name of humor.
We don't want to hate you, Waffle House. We've shortened our life span in the name of your hashed browns, your begreased eggs, and yes, for the pleasure of your insanely consistent waffles. We've fed your jukeboxes, and even refrained from playing the Waffle House-themed songs just to see if your staff's heads would explode. We have never vomited IN one of your restaurants after a long night of drinking. (On? Perhaps, but never IN.)
But don't make us hate you, is what we're saying. This better be real. The people of College Station deserve their full rights as SEC members. They deserve to have a horrible, tired, and unimaginative label appended to them by Georgia fans, and the right to accuse the SEC of handing them an unfavorable schedule because "the boys in Birmingham got it in for us." They deserve condescending pity courtesy from Alabama fans. They are now entitled to the rich privilege of having not one, but all the dicks of Baton Rouge offered for immediate sucking by shouting LSU fans. They are also entitled to decline, and then look out that beer's got a brick in it, son, so you better duck.
Most of all, they are overdue for that beacon of true SEC membership, the yellow buoy floating in a sea of highway rest stop nothingness: a Waffle House. As for our house, we stand with the Aggies. Give them waffles, and no one gets hurt, Waffle House. Toy with their feelings, and risk the wrath of people who still hold a grudge against Texas for shit that happened a century ago. Mess around with them, and the unthinkable might happen: they might run into the arms of Huddle House.
We can't have that happening, but Texas A&M has left bad relationships in a hurry before. And nothing says "bad relationship" like the promise of waffles without the actual waffles, man.