THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL IS PUKING UP ITS BREAKFAST

USA TODAY Sports

TIME TO GAWK AT PEOPLE WHO ARE FASTER AND STRONGER THAN YOU

What's happening in college football right now? This, a bunch of running, and sprinting, and more bounding and rolling and sprinting you couldn't ever dream of doing without feeling very, very bad immediately.

Alabama strength coach Scott Cochran is fond of saying that the players he already sees are Bentleys, and that his job is just to put spinners on them. So if a football trainer is working with you, he's probably saying something like, "Well, here's this busted-ass 1995 Ford Explorer with a shredded engine manifold, a cracked axle, and stained cloth seats. It never should have happened in the first place. I mean you, here, trying to do things. See that thing they're doing with the tire, where they try to pull it out of each other's hands like to pit bulls fighting over the same mailman? Yeah, we could do that, but you'd tear a rotator cuff in the first ten seconds, because you're a 1995 Ford Explorer, and you aged out of high-speed quick twitch athletics somewhere...well, somewhere on the drawing pad your misbegotten shape was scrawled into the world on."

The bad part is noticing all that, and the nice part is never, ever having to do mat drills. It's also pretty neat when you get to see concrete examples of just how utterly deviant some recruits' strength numbers really are---like, say, Nick Chubb, UGA running back commit who at 217 pounds of bodyweight just squatted 645 and benched 390. He'll probably get stronger and faster if he doesn't explode spontaneously just walking down the street from sheer overpowered horsepower first, and that's sort of the whole point of spring drills, lifting and conditioning for the fan: to see the thing already selected for being several standard deviations away from what we would consider fully normal, and see it turned into an even bigger, meaner beast than possibly imagined.

To rephrase Cochran: it's not enough to see an F-22 buzz the house. No, you want them to do it with a neon kit on the bottom of the plane, and possibly with an extra afterburner kit installed just for the hell of it.*

*This doesn't even include our favorite inevitable spring quote, the moment when a strength coach says something like "We got to 800 pounds on the squat, he did it easily, and we told him to stop because...[SPACE NOISES]"

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