TEXTBOOKS ARE FULL OF LIES, COLLEGE FOOTBALL EDITION

Ronald Martinez

HOOK 'EM, HAIL SATAN, WHATEVER

Our nation's textbooks are full of lies. For instance, a Texas fan's hand signalling in Norway would not be problematic if confused with Satanic overture. The reason: Satan is a beloved figure in Norway, something we know from listening to all that fantastic Norwegian death metal. He's done a lot of things for Oslo, so flash the Hook 'Em as often as you like. It might get you someone to buy you a free drink, or maybe get invited to a blood orgy. If that sounds a lot like Texas, well, it's because both are filled with oil-rich lunatics who drink too much (and like the occasional blood orgy.)

The other error is that it might be misinterpreted. Norway knows a lot about college football, and in fact is the homeland of one of its pillars: Knute Rockne. Knute Rockne also left Norway for America, and is thus a traitor to the country, and that's why Norway hates Notre Dame, just like you do. You're alright, Norway.

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