THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL: EXTINCTION LEVEL EVENT, TEXAS

LET'S DO IT THIS WAY, TEXANS

That's the point of Cosmos: you are tiny, nothing lasts forever, and you should be in awe of humanity's presence on the planet only occupying a sliver of a second of the final minute of the astronomical/historical year of the universe. It's also about how Neil deGrasse Tyson has a time-traveling immortal spaceship that looks like the world's coolest shoehorn, and how you don't, and that's what you get for not being in Carl Sagan's weed-and-Pink-Floyd listening circles at Ithaca.

[/Tyson leaves you freezing and asphyxiating on one of Saturn's rings, laughs]

So if humanity has to have a resource-swallowing extinction event, please let it be Texas and Texas A&M upping the ante on each other's stadia until, like gaudy concrete tumors, they swallow the entirety of their host cities of Austin and College Station. If I-35 is in the way of expanding DKR to 200,000 people, then YOU LET I-35 RUN THROUGH THE AISLES OF SECTION 700 AND CALL IT AWESOME. Knock down a hospital if you need to. It's Texas. There's room to build another one, like over there, for example.

The 500 foot Manziel statue may seem excessive at first, but wait until the Vince Young Colossus blocks out the sun and makes rickets a reality for many in East Austin. It'll make that little jackass look like a damn toothpick in cleats. Moving Lady Bird Lake into the third deck of the stadium won't be easy, but when the Aggies turn the entire second mezzanine into the world's largest wood-fueled barbecue smoker, well, one has to respond. One simply MUST.

And it'll end with fighting, famine, starvation, and other Cormac McCarthy turn-ons, but it beats the alternatives. When the last man lies gasping on the ruins of it all, and alien real estate surveyors walk up and ask him "What was this?", one can only hope he answers with his last words: "It was...AWESOME." Then the aliens will high-five Neil deGrasse Tyson, and get off in that weird clippy spaceship listening to Flaming Lips.*

*The actual band, because there is no way Wayne Coyne isn't getting off this planet on the first ship available.

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