It's been over a decade since Jared Lorenzen left college football, enough time for three presidential elections, five Olympic games, and approximately 18 Pitt coaches. At the time, you probably guessed that Lorenzen would give the NFL a try, fail to really catch on, and then move on to something else. You were two-thirds right.
Yes, the size is there - good heavens, is the size there - but look at the AGILITY. That's something we certainly didn't expect to stick around for Lorenzen, and it means our national defenses are entirely unprepared to deal with him. We don't have anything in our military arsenal with the power and dexterity to handle this threat. If he wants to destroy Louisville, he will, and by the time we've launched anything he'll have scrambled all the way to Cleveland.
The time has come to take drastic steps. To build a weapon unlike anything the world has ever seen. A fighter with the strength of a rhino and the speed of a falcon. A titan that can save us from Jared Lorenzen's inevitable rampage.
Defeat him, Voltron. And then go play safety for LSU.