THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL IS BILLING FOR THIS

USA TODAY Sports

AND WE'RE COUNTING TRAVEL TIME TOO, SUCKERS

(puts on lawyer hat)
(is actually just a cowboy hat with "Sublime" on it)
(whatever)

Ok, there are some parts about being a lawyer that are legitimately difficult. Legislation, regulations, and case law can be tricky to parse and cobble into a consistent, coherent argument. Evidentiary rules might limit how you can support that argument, or you might be swamped with documents just finding the evidence in the first place. And you'd be surprised how many attorneys dress like they crawled out of a Men's Wearhouse clearance dumpster.

But, damn, sometimes it's so EASY. Like, "if you know documents are going to get out that show your client doesn't even believe its own bullshit and just wants to soak up every dollar its greedy maw can hold, settle." Like, absolutely just settle. Because now shit's just going to get so much worse.

You really only have two goals in a litigation like this. The first, obviously, is to win. The second is to not look like a jackass. Paula Deen won the discrimination case against her, and somehow I doubt she finds that to be sufficient comfort these days. And look, maybe you thought you could get this case tossed early enough that you wouldn't have to give the plaintiffs all these emails where you concede, explicitly and implicitly, that the emperor is nude as hell. Once that didn't happen, it was time to go to the negotiating table. No more willfully obtuse press releases everybody mocks and picks apart, no more arguments where the judge tells you amateurism isn't a useful word to throw around. Now your stupid ass has to go to TRIAL. You would not be the first overconfident litigant to go to trial and get your docket laundry festooned all over a federal docket, NCAA, but you would be one of the most hilarious.

If you can't force them to leave you alone, pay them off. Shit, that's not even basic lawyering. That's organized crime 101.

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