THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL: WELCOME TO NICK SABAN MERCEDES

What can Nick Saban do to get you in this new car today? - Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

OPEN FOR BUSINESS AS SOON AS THIS LAWSUIT CLEARS UP

Welcome to Nick Saban Mercedes, a dealership that strives to give you excellence every day. We're trying to push the E Class right now because of the great deals on it, and also because we have a few too many of that class on the lot, and have to make room for the newer, faster models. Pretty unique situation, but they have to go, and you might as well benefit.

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Let's get you in for a test drive. Let you feel the acceleration, available in full once every forty seconds because don't you want to savor the driving experience, and do so safely? Of course you do. The standard features can't be beat: the heated seats, with settings of one, two, three, and "stunning, once-in-a-lifetime-loss-to-Auburn"; the moon roof, the bluetooth connectivity across all devices, the GPS system that's second to none.

It'll read the directions out to you in a variety of custom voices: Eli Gold, Kenny Stabler, and Bear Bryant. There's even a setting for the hearing impaired:

[presses map button]

"YEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH RECALCULATING ROUTE YOU ALREADY KNOW YEAAHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Scott Cochran did that especially for us. That's just the kind of service you'll get here, and definitely not at Les Miles Kia down the street or Sumlin Subaru down the road. Just between us, we had a guy from Muschamp Ford come in the other day, just covered in bite marks. Human ones. Deep ones.

You worry about people, is what I'm saying, and that's why we want only the best for you here. You want a car that's gonna peel your face off and smoke an F1 car off the line, well, you head on down to Malzahn's House of Perverted Motorsports, or whatever you wanna call it. But if you want a car that's gonna run on first down, and get the yardage you need? A champion's car?

Well, we're here when you want to talk, because here at Nick Saban Mercedes we ain't never been nothing but winners. And right now, there's a few too many winners on this lot, buddy, so get to shoppin'. You ask for me, and if some guy called Lane tries to help you, you call the cops. He doesn't work here, and is a vagrant we've been trying to get rid of for a few weeks.

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