THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL IS WHIFFFFFFIN

Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

WE JUST WANT TO PLAY TENNIS, DAD

So one intrepid soul has compiled the top 10 tackle-breaking runs of 2013:

(Yes, there are actually 12 runs on this video. Yes, this person appears to be a Tennessee fan. Yes, this is where your joke about Derek Dooley and 78 defenders on the field against LSU goes.)

This is what I believe I was doing during each of these plays:

12. Virginia Tech-Miami, November 9th. This was a night game on at the same time as Texas-WVU and this play probably took place right around the beginning of Alabama-LSU kickoff. If memory serves, I did not watch this play happen because I was watching Matt Ufford cut a Marine Corps birthday cake with a sword. One does not turn down the opportunity to eat cake that has been cut with a sword.

11. Florida State-Florida, November 30th. It was either right before or right after this play that I left my apartment to go buy a Christmas tree. That Christmas tree lasted a good five weeks, which is longer than Florida football did so look how smart I am, jerks.

10. Iowa-Ohio State, October 19th. Your standard 3:30 Eastern kickoff time, which means this play probably happened sometime in the early evening. Most likely flipping between this and Auburn-Texas A&M, the game where it really hit you that the Aggies had noooooooooo defense whatsoever. This play I do remember, as I also remember that thing where Ohio State didn't use Carlos Hyde late in the Big Ten title game or the Orange Bowl. SAD PIZZA MUST BE EARNED!

9. Rutgers-Central Florida, November 21st. A Thursday night game, and while I'd like to tell you I was watching this game, the truth is I was probably checking on the score occasionally and watching The Hunt For Red October. They wouldn't have put it on Netflix if they didn't want me to watch it.

8. Iowa-Nebraska, November 29th. Probably eating Thanksgiving pie for breakfast and lunch and a mid-morning snack. This play sort of blends in with the feeling of the rest of the game, which was "oh man Bo Pelini is so getting canned." And then he didn't! Bo Pelini might be invincible, but please do not tell him that as he'll immediately try to test it with a blowtorch.

7. Texas A&M-Arkansas, September 28th. My dumb ass was mostly watching Florida's penultimate win over the season (thanks, Kentucky) or the Wisconsin-Ohio State game. Not that I really regret missing out on 2013 Arkansas football; I know what the new health care law says about pre-existing illnesses but I'd still rather not chance it.

6. Troy-Ole Miss, November 16th. Certainly didn't see this game, as the possibility of George O'Leary losing to Temple was just too delicious to pass up. This is what an NFL executive who wants Blake Bortles to fall to him should tell other teams. "Sure, kid's got an arm. But he almost lost to Temple."

5. Stanford-USC, also November 16th. OH YESSAH WE DUN WATCHA DIS DERE GAME. Stanford, if you recall, only scored ten points against USC the rest of the game. Perhaps we should have considered that fact when we were debating whether Michigan State's murderdefense could contain Kevin "Mom Said Everyone Gets A Turn To Play" Hogan.

4. Colorado-Charleston Southern, don't care. Come the fuck on.

3. Auburn-Tennessee, November 9th. Definitely at the SB Nation NYC offices for this one, but mostly focused on Florida State vivisecting Wake Forest because a) you sort of figured Auburn was going to win anyways and b) Florida State uses every part of the Wake Forest, though it does take forever to boil down the Jim Grobe to an edible consistency.

2. Baylor-TCU, November 30th. Like any true American, was busily engrossed in Iron Bowl, especially since Baylor had already dropped out of the title race a week earlier. If I had to guess, I saw this play on a game break, muttered something about how Baylor used to be the coolest uncle, then went back to tweeting jokes about Nick Saban trying to reach the Raisin Nut Bran on the top shelf at the grocery store.

1. West Virginia-Oklahoma, September 7th. Week 2? That seems like an eternity ago. Everything was so DIFFERENT - Illinois was undefeated, Kansas and Cal both won that week, Lane Kiffin was a few hours from losing to Washington State at home. Honestly, I have no idea what I was doing during this game.

Wait, Gloria Gaynor's birthday is September 7th. Yeah, rocking to this, then.

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