My fellow Americans,
These are difficult times for many of you. Brutal storms have battered cities all across our nation, disrupting our schools, businesses, and travel systems. Tragedy has befallen one of our cherished automobile museums. And, just when it seems like things cannot get any worse, one of our youngest and most promising Butts suffers an injury.
It can be easy to believe that God has abandoned us. Not the traditional Abrahamic God, mind you, but my own personal deity. His name is Oklahoma Larry, and he hides in the dumpster outside the liquor store waiting to rabbit punch you and take your wallet. Oklahoma Larry is fearsome, and only regular burrito tithings can keep us from his terrible wrath.
But now is the time when we, the American people, must pull together! As the poet John Donne reminds us, "Any butt's death diminishes me / For I am involved in buttkind." We must put aside our differences and ignore the political wedges that drive us apart. The health of this country's butts must come first, or our children will live in a joyless, booty-deficient world.
So let us join hands - young and old, rich and poor, Foxy Brown and Lil' Kim - in the name of pursuing a more perfect onion. Let us show the world that we are not a nation divided but, instead, the United States of Assmerica.
Oklahoma Larry bless you all.