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HOW DRUNK IS YOUR PAC-12 FOOTBALL?

We get it. You're alone on a Saturday night and ended up stumbling on two teams on the West Coast playing something that uses the same ball but looks nothing like the Iowa game you saw earlier in the day. You're curious as to what exactly this is.

We're here to tell you that you've just found Drunk Pac-12 Football (h/t Brian Floyd)! It bears little resemblance to any other actual football and is fun as hell.

This handy guide will inform you to just how drunk your football you're watching is.

1) Someone thought it would be funny to give Kyle Whittingham a glass of chocolate milk and now he's trembling and sweating and oh God what did you do you monster!??!?!

2) David Shaw is having a glass of merlot at the hotel bar. Just one, though, because it's almost 9:30 and you know how he gets when he only gets 8.5 hours of sleep before waking up to watch Shark infomercials.

3) Mike Macintyre realized that when he moved to Boulder it was okay to only need to spend $24 on a night out because thin air gets you loaded faster!

4) Now that he's back in LA, Steve Sarkisian has discovered that not everybody leaves the game at halftime to get smashed, but just doesn't show up at all.

5) Okay, look, you need to tell Mike Riley that the dinner party involves bringing your own bottles. He's still into just finding whatever's in the fridge and neglecting to tell the host.

6) I'm glad someone remembered to show Chris Petersen that you need an extra bottle of gin for home games because BOTH teams can score more than 35.

7) In case you were wondering, that was Jim Mora that walked out on that $200 bar tab because he thought he wasn't the one paying it even though he was alone for the last 45 minutes at the table.

8) Now listen, just because Todd Graham was wandering through the streets at 3 am after 7 margaritas doesn't mean you have to take him to Austin when he asks, cabbie!

9) Mr. Rodriguez, you are not allowed to just get thrown out of the bar then walk back in wearing a different shirt. That's not how getting cut off works.

10) Mark Helfrich knows that it's just common knowledge you walk into any house in Eugene and start doing Fireball shots with everyone in the kitchen at 4 am.

11) SonnyDykesChuggingTequilaOutOfAShoeInAPhoneBoothAt3PM.gif or as people in Berkeley call it, Tuesday.

12) Mike Leach still doesn't understand why the police in Pullman get confused when he's wandering the streets pantsless pulling a keg on a dolly. In Lubbock, they just gave him a ride home.

Hopefully this handy guide will be of use to you this weekend when Arizona and UCLA both bring their finest plastic explosives to throw at each other for four and a half hours.

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