THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL: NOTRE DAME, OUR BELOVED VAMPIRE SQUID

Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports

NOTRE DAME, THE VICIOUS BUSINESS SCHOOL WITH A FOOTBALL PROBLEM

Oh, Under Armour, you think you're getting a deal, but knowing the number of Notre Dame people we know who work in investment banking, you're already dead.

Notre Dame’s new deal with Under Armour will also span 10 years. Swarbrick declined to offer details on the financial aspect of the partnership, but he confirmed that the Irish will have the option to take a portion of the cash component in Under Armour stock.

Because this is how this works. First, you'll get a good Notre Dame season, like the 2012 season, one of those eleven win seasons you can rip off with some close victories, an airtight defense, and just enough offense from whatever three quarterbacks Brian Kelly sutures together out of five MAC-quality QBs. (Kelly's the Congolese mechanic of quarterbacks: give him five unrelated parts and fifteen minutes, and he WILL have the car moving.)

The leftover parts from those two quarterbacks remaining? They become Florida's starting quarterback, a reanimated pile of of error that mercifully tears their ACL three games into a seven game losing streak. But we digress.

Then, with Under Armour at peak value, they sell, and then short the hell out of the stock before ousting Kelly and watching Under Armour's price plummet. ND makes a jillion dollars off this, uses the extra cash to hire Urban Meyer, and repeats the process again before gaining total control of Under Armour, gutting it for parts, and signing with a Chinese apparel company eager to make inroads into the American market. This Chinese company can only name one college football team, but this is true of most Notre Dame fans, too. An ideal international marriage, really.

Then Notre Dame does this with that Chinese company, takes it over, and U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! This started out as a tale of villainy. But here we are at the end, Notre Dame, with you a dark conquering hero of sorts in the war for the 21st century. You might be a great vampire squid lashed to the face of college football, but you're our parasitic great vampire squid, dammit. Better to have you on our side than in the trenches of the opponent.

P.S. Meanwhile, USC has signed a deal with American Apparel, and oh god we can see everything, Sark. Everything.

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