THE ONE TRUE HATER'S GRAIL

USA TODAY Sports

IT WILL BE OURS, CLICK CLACK

The miscreants at Garnet & Black Attack have acquired a rare and valuable treasure. Behold!

The magical properties of this cup are probably endless - it turns water to Coors Original, and milk to Coors Original, and seriously put any liquid in and you'll get Coors Original. "Even motor oil?" EVEN MOTOR OIL. If you put this cup on your head, you become invisible, no matter what the police who arrested you for public indecency at a Cracker Barrel claim. Try throwing this cup in a non-perfect spiral. It's impossible, and it hits Doug Johnson in the head every time, no matter where he is. Quit hidin' in that overturned trash barrel, Doug. We're still gonna nail you in the noggin'.

So now this cup must become ours, and we will go to any lengths to acquire it. Kidnapping, extortion, bribery. There is no price too high, no act too despicably low. We will drink from the Hater's Grail, and when we do, "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service" will become a thing of the past.

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