SPENCER HALL (MIAMI): Last radio transmission indicated Fearless Leader was bound for UM-UF, a noontime game outdoors in South Florida before November. No further information on Mr. Hall's plans was available at press time. In related news, we are now accepting Solarcaine donations on behalf of Mr. Hall.
HONORABLE BUNKIE PERKINS (SHREVEPORT): Communications similarly garbled from Mr. Perkins, who informed us only that he would be watching Ole Miss-SE Missouri and LSU-UAB...on pay per view. We fear for our colleague's mental health.
RUN HOME JACK (NEW YORK): Florida-Miami, WKU-Tennessee, Oregon-UVA, Utah State-Air Force, Sir Big Spur-UGA LXII, Texas-BYU, NoTRADITION Dame-MichigACADEMICS, Leach-Kiffin on the nightshift.
MICHAEL WINSLOW (UNDISCLOSED LOCATION): As usual, protecting our nation in the way that only a veteran of seven Police Academy documentaries can do. Thank you for your bravery, Michael Winslow.