HOW FOOTBALL CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT US

Doug Pensinger

OR, WHY MACK BROWN RECRUITED A GAZELLE AS A CARNIVORE

It's troubling to think about, but there will inevitably come a time when the human race ceases to be. Earth will remain behind, and so, for a time, will some of our mark on this world - buildings, highways, dams, and so on. Those things will all crumble eventually, succumbing to the erosive power of Nature, and then there will be nothing to show that mankind once walked this planet.

That's why we're proposing an ambitious new project: ANIMAL FOOTBALL. There are some Jacobis out there who suggest animals have no place on the field, that they simply don't have the talent or opposable thumbs to be of any use. What that ignores is that animals have already had a long and fruitful career on the gridiron. With the help of the College Football Reference database, we've assembled a 7 on 7 team that could hang with some of the best human recruits, ADAM.

OFFENSE

QB - Bees

A quarterback needs to make order from chaos, and who in the animal kingdom can handle that better than Bees? If you can build an intricate honeycomb, you can master the zone read.

QB - Tiger

We're borrowing from Louisiana-Monroe and going with two quarterbacks in the backfield, and where our first is all about precise, pinpoint attacks through the air, our second has unparalleled power and speed. What makes Tiger so dangerous here is that he has fantastic footwork, and also sharp-ass teeth.

RB - Deer

Fast, yes, but can also hit.

RB - Rabbit

Too much speed in the backfield? Impossible, especially once we get Rabbit running that wheel route and the linebacker has no prayer of catching him. WATERSHIP TOUCHDOWNNNNNN!

TE - Dolphin

Tight end is one of the most intellectually challenging positions on the field - they have to know when and who to block, when and where to release, and how they can provide an effective safety valve for the quarterback. Dolphins are ideally suited for that role.

WR - Fox

Admittedly, Fox was only a special teams player at Arizona State, but we think his natural agility and craftiness makes him a natural to find the holes in a zone defense.

WR - Bat

Incredible ability to grip the ball. Need to verify crowd noise won't screw up his ability to echolocate passes, however.

DEFENSE

OLB - Lamb

Who the hell's going to block a lamb? That'd be such a dick move.

MLB - Bass

You're probably thinking 14 pounds is too small to play linebacker, but modern football requires modern players, and that means Bass can make life hell for opposing quarterbacks, what with his comically large mouth sucking up passes.

OLB - Buck

Because duh.

S - Whale

How the hell are you going to throw deep with a 90 foot whale literally taking up most of the secondary? You're not, sucker. Whale doesn't have great stats because nobody throws against Whale. (But do not try to sub him out. That shit takes forever.)

S - Badger

Salmon is more of the prototypical speedy safety playing centerfield, whereas Badger is used closer to the line of scrimmage to shut down the run and eat tasty grubs.

CB - Salmon

If you don't think swimming upstream to spawn prepares you to be a truly elite blitzer, I don't know what to tell you.

CB - Horse

You lose again, Jacobi.

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