THE CURIOUS INDEX, 9/4/2013

Mark A. Cunningham

NICK SABAN'S FINGERTAP GAME IS STRONG

SOME PEOPLE WANNA PUT THEIR DOG ON A LEASH AND SOME DON'T. Nick Saban's press conference yesterday was a tour de force of leash law theory and furious fingertapping.

"How y'all doin' today?" clearly makes a small part of him want to die on the spot. Okay, a large part. As large a part as there is on that tiny, unsleeping Anton Chigurh of the coaching world.

TWIS. USF could have had its own column alone, but the real shocker is Michigan State's hivemind going apeshit over a victory over Western Michigan, and Virginia Tech openly wondering if Frank Beamer should be committed to a mental institution. He can't, for the record, because no manmade bond can keep a wild Beamer from sleeping in his beloved woods as he's done his entire life.

NOOOOOOOO. It's all there, and makes sense, but dammit, Good Bull Hunting, the scalding of a brain takes years to recover from, and often involves irreversible loss of function. (Just like exposure to the Finebaum show!)

SHUT UP VANILLA IS F*&%IN' DELICIOUS. That's what Brent Pease wanted to say, clearly, but he's at least learned that violent bursts of profanity are to be limited to the booth only. Florida held the ball for 40 minutes against Toledo, which is pretty much the greatest goal of the Florida offense under Muschamp.

HALF THE TIME EQUALS 75% LESS DEFENSE. The Big 12 is offering condensed games free on Youtube as all conferences should. The Pac-12's been doing this for cable subscribers for a while now, and the Big Ten could do it even better since you can cut most Big Ten games into four minutes of actual action, and down to even less if you omit punts. (This is not an exaggeration.)

ETC: Just sit in the corner, Spencer.

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