ASK DR. BO WALLACE - KNEE INJURIES

EXPERT MEDICAL EXPLANATION FROM COLLEGE FOOTBALL'S PREEMINENT UNLICENSED PHYSICIAN

What is the knee?

It's a mysterious place, that's for damn sure. If you're not careful, you can easily wind up lost somewhere between the ligament and Lady Foot Locker.

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A wondrous creation of nature, though. Man could not sculpt something so perfect. Let's take a look at the lateral view to really get a sense of how the different parts of the knee work in concert.

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See that section in the middle? That's the drumstick, and it's the best part of the knee.

What kind of tools does a surgeon use to operate on the knee?

Of course, the answer to this depends on the exact sort of surgery taking place, but here are a few basic items you'd see in any surgical theatre of mine:

  • Spatula
  • Dental floss
  • Nintendo 3DS
  • Empty printer cartridge
  • Assistant (nurse not needed or preferred because they talk about how you're doing things wrong)
  • Three slices ham
  • Shoot, what's it called? The thing with the teeth on the end. You know, you use it to cut things but it's not a knife. Dang it.
  • MORAY EEL THAT'S IT.
  • Archie Manning jersey for disinfectant and blessing
  • A song in your heart. (The song should be "Rhythm Nation.")

What sort of treatment options are available for those suffering from a knee injury?

There's a wide range of approaches, from the minimally invasive to just trying to light the whole thing on fire. Did you know your knee is the only part of the body you can't set on fire? It's true, and I watched Dan Mullen try for six straight hours.

The thing to remember is that knees are one of many things that come in twos in the human body: kidneys, eyes, lungs, tracheas. If pain persists, use the good knee instead of the bad one. But sometimes that doesn't work, and we're forced to approach the surgical options. Surgery is not something I take lightly, so there are a few rules I follow every time I go under anesthesia.

Every time YOU go under anesthesia. You. You're the patient. The anesthesia is for you and definitely not me.

  • When operating, be sure to leave something in the knee as a memento like a nail, tack, or a pog.
  • Work in a well-lit area. The Lamps and Fans section of a Home Depot is a personal favorite.
  • You'll finish with more parts than you started with but that's what the family dog is for.
  • For tax purposes declare any and all surgeries as farm maintenance.
  • Do NOT close the incision once you are finished. This knee became injured because it was coddled, and we are going to teach it some self-reliance.
What kind of rehab should I expect after undergoing knee surgery?

Rehab is so, so, important to making sure you're back to fighting shape in no time at all, and that's why it's important to remove your knee and wash it on heavy rinse every night before you go to bed. You also want to take a pregnancy test right after surgery. (No reason.) After about a week, leave your knee in a store somewhere. If someone returns it, your faith in the fundamental goodness of society will be restored. If nobody does, file a claim against the store. That's easy money.

If you hear whistling noises it may be naturally occurring body gases escaping the fresh incisions. It may be a lonesome cowboy camped in your bed, too. Do not let him start a fire indoors. And don't say the knee looks fat, even if it does and you just want the knee to look like it did in high school.

"ASK DOCTOR BO" is presented by Every Day Should Be Saturday Outpatient Small Batch Distillery. Any advice given by Doctor Bo Wallace does not create a doctor-patient relationship, except in Mississippi, Puerto Rico, and Puertossippi, the three foot wide boardwalk connecting the two. For a DOCTOR BO HOME RIB SPREADER FOR KIDS, please send four box tops to HUGH FREEZE INTERFAITH ASSASSINS GUILD, P.O. Box 1173, Noxapater, MS 39346.

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