"Nice car, dorkface. See you in November, buddy. Hope you get through the ACC alright. It's a tough conference. I know cause I won it once. With Duke, in football. Life's hard for some people. Not for others. Hey, let's go get some Arby's up in this piece, Fiddy. CLICK CLACK."
SON, DON'T PUNT ON FOURTH AND ETERNITY. R.I.P., Alabama bro with the most recent greatest obituary of all time.
WANTED: TWO MORE QUARTERS OF FOOTBALL. Florida State really only did play two quarters of really bad football last year, and that is why football is a very upsetting game that ruins people psychologically and emotionally. Please come back, psychotic life partner: we miss you so very much.
UM...SO....OHIO. Opening week predictions by the numbers favor, among other odd teams, Ohio over Louisville. Computers never account for Frank Solich, and that's why he's the one who will defeat Skynet one day with guile and punting.
NOW WE TALKIN' ABOUT PALETTES IN FOOTBALL THANKS OBAMA. If you wondered, the University of Tennessee would like you to know formally that it's more of a fall than a spring.
HUD, SPECK, AND PLEASE MEET OUR BROTHER, BORT. Indiana's bowl chances rise with every famous walk-on's arrest.
MURDEROUS KICKER OUT OF NOWHERE. Get it, MurderLeg.
ETC: Happy birthday to the once and future coach of Tennessee Football, Jon Gruden. It's happening! Book it! He just needs some time, Tennessee fans! This should never happen to you, ever.