In a world without EA Sports licensing college football games, conferences will be forced to contract out their own games. They will have choices: important choices, nay, vital choices for the future of their brands. They will have to consider what video game company most represents the core values of each conference. These are questions. We have answers.
THE SEC SELECTS: Andamiro Games
Are you a bad enough dude to rip your arm off for football? You probably won't even if you are, because no one plays alone, and usually pushes with the help of at least four "quality control assistants" and a couple of medical redshirts pushing.
THE PAC-12 SELECTS: Oculus Rift VR
You think you know what it's like to play against Stanford and line up against twenty-two tight ends in a single formation. But do you know how it feels? Can you see the flames shooting from Willie Sutton's exhaust system like they're an inch from your face? Can you admire the marvel of the Flatirons looming over Folsom Field, probably while taking a leisurely stroll through the Colorado defense? Not unless you're using the video game client of choice for the PAC-12, OCULUS RIFT, an experience so real you may think you are tasting that In-N-Out hamburger Mike Riley gave you after a good game.
Warning: if you do begin eating something while wearing OCULUS RIFT, makes sure it is not a member of your family, or a pillow, or Monte Kiffin you found stuck between the cushions of your couch. He likes to rummage around there for change.
THE ACC SELECTS: Maxis
ACC Sims is easy to pick up and play without learning all the details, but you'll gradually start exploring the features and see that the depth is what makes this a truly engrossing experience. You can spend hours getting the look of your office just right, trying out hundreds of flooring options. (The burgundy carpet was really a tasteful choice.) Is there football? Not a bit. But when you're busy walling Paul Johnson off in a room that has three toaster ovens and no doors, you're too curious to see if he'll learn how to put out fire with his own urine to care.
THE BIG 12 SELECTS: Rockstar Games
Endless ammo, wide open spaces, and a Mexican standoff in every direction: you need the team from Red Dead Redemption, and you need to make sure Iowa State is the hardy character riding a burro with a sawed off shotgun that is crap at long distance, but a terror up close. Gameplay will be realistic in that there is no defense from anything, random death around every corner, bottomless reserves of ammunition, and bears lurking where you least expect it. Play GOLD RUSH with Mack Brown, and collect gold no matter how many times someone shoots you point blank with heavy weaponry. Tie a maiden to a railroad track and unlock the DANA HOLGORSEN DIVORCE SETTLEMENT achievement.
Purchase elixirs like STRATEGIC ADVANTAGE ELIXIR.
Please note: your character cannot swim, because your character is Mike Stoops.
THE BIG TEN SELECTS: MYST
It's not slow. It's intricate. It's contemplative. It's got grandeur, and requires the use of your brain, and SHUT UP NO IT'S NOT YOU'RE JUST TOO DUMB TO UNDERSTAND IT. CD-ROM WAS NEVER SO PERFECT AS IN THE ROSE BOWL SPONSORED BY BRØDERBUND. PLEASE ENTER THE FIFTH WORD OF THE SIXTH PARAGRAPH ON PAGE 18 to verify your copy.
THE AMERICAN CONFERENCE SELECTS: