Dilip Vishwanat


Dear (Darren, make sure you use mail merge correctly this time so we don't look like idiots again),

Recently, you may have heard that the plaintiffs in O'Bannon v. NCAA have been granted permission to add a current student-athlete as a party to their suit. Attorneys for the plaintiffs may be contacting you to request that you agree to become said party.

While the NCAA does not represent you and therefore cannot give you advice of a legal nature, we feel obligated to point out the following negative repercussions you may face should you accept the position of student-athlete plaintiff:

1) You will spend lots of time with lawyers. Lawyers who will wear suits with double pleated pants and casually mention that they spent the long weekend at their summer home and order a crudites plate for the conference room and then eat all the cherry tomatoes. They eat these cherry tomatoes to fill a hole within them, where they once had dreams and self-confidence. There are no amount of cherry tomatoes that can fill that hole. We know, because we have been banned from Costco after once attempting to do so.

2) Court is boring. Franklin and Bash? More like Delayedagain and Ohmygodthisplacedoesntevenhaveavendingmachine.

3) This is a serious commitment. You're already busy, what with your primary focus on studies and becoming the best academic self you can be. Oh, and there's probably also sports things you have to do. What's that, like three hours a week or so? The point is, every hour you spend attending to this litigation is an hour you don't spend pursuing your degree. Or attending any number of pizza parties the NCAA did not organize and certainly did not schedule specifically to conflict with your deposition.

4) You may damage your professional sporting future. While we fully expect you to go pro in something other than sports, should you decide that the life of a professional athlete is for you, think carefully how potential employers will view this decision. The NFL is looking for players who will put the team first, not be tied up in court focused on their own selfish interests. There's a reason Rosa Parks never won a Super Bowl.

5) History favors the faceless. Say the outlandish happens and the plaintiffs win this case. The NCAA is effectively bankrupted, and college athletics as we know them cease to exist. Television executives, desperate to fill their schedules, throw money at ill-conceived pseudosports like Toddler Karate and PastaPlatePunch With Guy Fieri. Ratings plummet, the economy collapses, and the United States is forced to sell 97% of its territory.

Your name will be forever attached to that story. Is that the legacy you want to leave for your children, forced to live in New Mexico Presented By Vizio?

Forever your cheerleader,

The NCAA Legal Department

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