1. I am wearing a tank top.
2. I am improperly inner-tubing without a spotter, whatever that means.
3. I am a minor, and have alcohol on my breath. (This is redundant in Georgia.)
4. I refuse the breath test, because I listen to talk radio and hear a lot--like, a LOT--of DUI lawyer ads about what to do in this exact situation.
5. I am a UGA placekicker.
6. I was apprehended somewhere near a place called "Rooty Creek"
Adding all these up, we now announce that placekicker Marshall Morgan--even though he is originally from Florida--is now the King of the State of Georgia, as he is for the next few hours at least its most Georgian person. The rights and privilege of this office are hereby transferred to you: a stack of T.I. and Tiny: The Family Hustle DVDs, a handgun that we think fires and definitely has the serial number filed off, a bucket of range balls with smiley divots in them, and free Zaxby's sauce packets for the duration of your term.
P.S. The police report did refer to you and your friends as "athletic-looking," so there's that, at least. See that snake? WATCH HIM STRIKE CAUSE IT'S FEEDING TIME. (Makes tricep jump under shirt a few times.) (Calls whatever a boating lawyer is.)
P.P.S. You can still blame this on Florida, especially after a week when a Florida football player was arrested on a scooter in the most Athens crime imaginable, and the barrier between the Bulldog and Gator universes
P.P.P.S. He is King until someone does something more Georgia, which should be within a few hours or so.