REMOVED FROM THE ENEMIES LIST
You can hate squirrels, but it's simply rude to take joy in their flattened corpses littering the road, and even worse to swerve to hit them double-good-dead. Randy Edsall has suffered enough--not enough to root for him openly, mind you, but certainly enough to move him off the Enemies List. Additionally, Maryland may now fully occupy the role of ACC Deathbringer for teams with hope, dreams, and more than two functioning quarterbacks.
[/Randy Edsall swings scythe]
[/Randy Edsall misses]
[/stabs an undefeated FSU team on a Thursday night in November on the backswing]
[/loses to UVA at home the next week]
Off the Enemies List due to one of the worst denouements to a football season on record. Will go right back onto the list the instant someone says "BCS Title spot," or mentions "doing things the right way" while openly swindling the national media for maximum Heisman votes.
Oh, you say, you're just making this up as you like? That part should make you very comfortable, people who have openly embraced Knute Rockne's fake sick children, fictional ladies of the mid-Pacific, and mythical claims to a BCS Title game slot. We sort of like you for the moment out of sympathy. You will spoil that, and we know it, but life's about the journey, and not just about the chance embraces that end with us throwing you out of the car at 80 miles an hour
P.S. You also have to start the year dealing with this, and we like disaster movies more than the average human does.
He's simply become someone too useful (for our purposes, at least) to hate.
Violations— Mark May (@mark_may) February 21, 2013
He also tends to be nakedly wrong about almost everything, a kind of talent in itself. (See: Ron Cherry, Bob Stoops.) Additionally, his Twitter feed is a nonstop ode to the value of a Pitt education and a secondary stint in the University of Sports Broadcasting, his on-air presence is clearly a fart-mask of sarcasm he can't do for three minutes without giggling through, And ooh! Burn Notice! Harris, he's talking about Burn Notice!
Burn Notice final season starts June 6th I'll be watching— Mark May (@mark_may) May 26, 2013
He is his own parody account. It doesn't mean we like him, per se, but he's off the Enemies List because of sheer, dependable reliability.
You always let Gin back in. (The entire year 2004 wasn't your fault, anyway.)
THE NAPA KNOW-HOW GUY
We kid! You're a dead man for haunting our dreams and spoiling our days. Watch your ass, and enjoy your permanent slot on the Enemies List.
RON CHERRY (DEMOTED)
The Joey Crawford of college football referees has a particularly worn spot on the Enemies List, but never without a tinge of respect and warmth. It takes a special kind of man to constipate a football game as badly and ineptly as Ron Cherry, and we at EDSBS are about recognizing special talent in all its forms--including that which itself is a special anti-talent.
BOB STOOPS (DEMOTED)
Bob Stoops was on the list? Only as half a residual punching bag for the woes of the Big 12, with Mack Brown making up the other, even richer half of the conference's dollar-sneezing Statler and Waldorf act heckling the SEC, each other, and in Stoops' case anything he happened to find displeasing at that particular moment. Bob Stoops has, at one point in the past three years, raged about chafed thighs, and how no powder on earth solves the devilment of the vermillion ham meat he carries around on his legs. (And if he hasn't, you would believe us if we told you.)
And with his rampage through a grab bag of college football's hot-button issues this offseason--and landing squarely in the wrong on almost all of them--you'd think we'd just qualify him solo, and save a spot on the bench for him in the Enemies of the State edition. However, two things complicate this:
1.) He did just show up and help in Moore, Oklahoma without telling anyone, alerting a reporter, or doing much to draw attention to himself, and that's pretty great and human of him
2.) Overly Emotional Stoops is pretty damn entertaining, and we'd like to see this trend continue unabated through the season under the real, crushing pressure of a full college football schedule. This is what he's been doing without a whole lot of people around; with the glare of camera lights and live television, the results could be spectacular. Call Animal Control, and have them wait by the door of the press conference with a catch net and snare.
3.) It's possible Mike's living with him and "is really close to finding his own place but doesn't want to rush anything." Mike Stoops is, in fact, spending his weekends playing air hockey at the bowling alley.
ADDED TO THE LIST
It is the nature of open commerce to produce far more products than we as consumers will ever want or need. The Plymouth Roadster, Bubble Yum soda - it's not hard to find examples. But "liquid beer enhancer" is more than something we don't need. It's something we should reject as loudly as possible. Syrup is for two things: 1) breakfast foods and 2) sexy R&B video interludes. Not beer. Never beer.
Who the hell said you were allowed to become good at your job, Mike?
THE F/K/A INSIGHT BOWL
You change the name. You change the trophy to some boring piece of shit you could get on eBay for eighteen bucks. And then you force us to watch Michigan State and TCU headbutt each other to death. Do you want us to force you to take UCF? We'll do it. Don't push us.