THE EMOTIONAL STATE OF COACH BOB STOOPS

Wesley Hitt

AS OF JUNE 5, 2013

Bob Stoops has to appear tough in public. It's just part of being a leader. But Bob Stoops has feelings, and they can be measured using this scientific chart.

Stoopspole_jpg_medium

Where is Bob Stoops on this spectrum today? First, we must list the things Bob Stoops is currently sick and tired of:

- Proposals to fund full cost scholarships

- Hearing about how good the SEC is

- Players just transferring whenever they want to like they think they're entitled to some level of agency in their lives

- Andes mints ("the harlot's birthday cake")

- Cargo pants bashing, like you've got a better idea for how a fella's supposed to carry all his movie theater reward club cards, smart aleck

- Going blind nil

- Super groups, because you gotta be a certain shameless to ride Orbison's coattails like that, Tom Petty

- People who don't just stand still on moving walkways

- DVDs that don't just start playing the movie when you put 'em in

- Labor Day

- Restaurants that give you individual ketchup packets and not just a whole dang bottle

- Self checkout

- The International Organization for Standardization ("a man should be able to have a checkbook the size of a tortilla if he wants one")

- Carpools

- Cars

- Pools

Based on the above, we estimate the current emotional state of Bob Stoops to be as follows:

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