Host: Today we have several special guest chess coaches to take you through the fantastic and exciting world of COMPETITIVE CHESS. With such maneuvers as the "Macovich Gambit," the "Switzer-Frye Opening" and the unforgettable "Schnellenberger Double Castle" you're sure to leave with a better understanding of the game of....KINGS!
Our first guest tonight is the inestimable Greg Davis, here to teach you his secret chess strategy, guaranteed to get you never-before-seen results
Greg Davis: [mumbles unintelligibly]
Host: Right you are, Greg-o! Let's go to the board!
GD: [snort hurk] Option QB naked bootleg rook to E5 [mumble grumble]
Host: Ahhh, yes, the famous Hawkeye two step. A true classic of the genre! And what do you recommend if confronted with the Vandenberg Defense?
GD: /hocks entire can of Skoal into half empty big gulp filled with diet mountain dew "mmmgmaksjdckkk"
GD: /drinks remainder of Big Gulp, scuttles off like a hermit crab
Host: Thanks Greg! And now to our second guest of the knight...(giggles at chess pun) Dana "The Queen is in my Castle" Holgorsen!
//steals phone from host, sends dick pic to host's wife
DH: Let's do this, jagoff
DH: Right, anyways, I'll show you a little move...
I like to call....
Host: I don't think you ca---
"I'm leaving you, Tom"
DH: Later. Tell your wife it was fun well it lasted.
DH: /peels out in Dodge Charger with "PUSSY WAGON" written in 3 foot high letters on the side
Host: Well, I guess that brings us to our next guest....CHARLIE WEIS
CW: /farts entire McGriddle "See here what we have is a decided chessmatic advantage and i tellyawhat what we're gonna do here now is make sure we put our pieces in the best strategical position to outmanuever the other pieces and gonna use a highly timing based stratergery and we just gotta get out there and essecute the gameplan and we'll just see who's laughin at the end of the day"
Host: And with that, we turn to the board!
CW: Well what we have here is a simple 3-67 double rook cut route with a timing route pawn and a z-in bishop on the hot route. Now, alls you gotta do is make the correct read and within 3 moves you're staring down a 4-1231 king double pin with a pulling guard and blammo that's the game.
/3 moves later
Host: How the fu---
CW: Well, see, the king just didnt make the right read and if he makes the correct move at 4 moves instead of five then we're talkin a whole different ball game and then the pawn doesnt get hung out to dry and if the bishop runs his route and sticks the in route like he was supposed to, then boom checkmate
Host: But the queen--
CW: IS IT QUEEN WEEK? NO. IT'S KNIGHT WEEK AND WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT KNIGHTS.
//screeches off in Amigo
Host: Anyways, it's time for our final guest....Lane Kiffin!
LK: Please. my friends call me "Deep BlueBalls"
Host: Sir, this is a family sh--
LK: "DEEP BLUEBALLS, BUTTHORN. DAD, GET THE BOARD"
/Monte Kiffin shuffles in with "MY FIRST CHESS SET," with all the white pieces replaced with white queens and a single king, all black pieces replaced with 4 pawns
Host: Sir, that's not a regulation board
MK: Shut up, Lane gets upset if he can't use his special board, just roll with it
MK: JUST GO WITH IT, HE GETS CRANKY WITHOUT HIS NAP
Host: Fine. Whatever. Like I spent 35 years becoming a grandmaster to deal with this shit. SET IT UP.
LK: /ppththhhtpppbbtt Butthorn
/board is placed on table
/24 minutes later
Host: I have...I have no words
LK: DAD YOU'RE FIRED THIS IS YOUR FAULT GODAMNIT DAD
/flips board over, spilling chess pieces across the set
MK: /sighs Sorry, I'll get a juice box in him and he'll calm right down. Thanks for your time.
Host: /looks up from half empty bottle of Old Smugglers
"Goodnight. Don't ever play chess."
/fade to black