THE MOST DANGEROUS TEAM IN AMERICA: NORTHWESTERN

Melina Vastola-USA TODAY Sports

NORTHWESTERN LIKE TOTALLY OWNS THE SEC. NO, STOP, DON'T READ THE ASTERISKS.

You could wonder why the Big Ten has had such issues with the SEC*, or you could ask the giant-killers at Northwestern, a.k.a. the people who figured this out a long time ago**. Northwestern is undefeated against the SEC in the past year, having smoked not one, but two SEC teams in the 2012--2013 season***. They did this all while maintaining the highest APR not just in the Big Ten, but in all of FBS football****. Talk about some big cats on the prowl! ROWR! *****

*Statistically true, since the B1G does have its lowest win % historically against the SEC, except for all those games Michigan won against Florida which WE REMEMBER MICHIGAN FANS. Maybe we should play you in the Rose Bowl or something. Just claim you're allergic to illiteracy or dumb or something in the meantime, everyone else in the conference.

**Or, you know, this past year. Northwestern is 3-7 versus the SEC lifetime.

***Those teams being Vanderbilt, who at 9-4 was this close to an actual ten win season. If Vanderbilt wins ten games in the modern era, the seas will turn to Monster Energy Drink, and the deserts will bloom with inedible rhinestone bushes. Those rhinestone bushes will reflect the sun's energy, raise the earth's temperature to uninhabitable reaches, and ignite the highly flammable Monster Energy Drink. We're trying to tell you Northwestern saved life as we know it by beating Vanderbilt. Thank them for this.

They also played Mississippi State in a bowl game where Tyler Russell appeared to be playing a whole game after being bitten by a copperhead in warmups, but that's why you have a snake handler on the training staff at all times, Dan Mullen: to sweep the field of poisonous snakes, and also because it's mandated by state law. That's like, SEC Coaching 101, dude.

****APR is a crap stat, but Northwestern is a really, really good school, something you'll know from meeting any Northwestern grad, because they will tell you. They'll probably tell you this in the first fifteen seconds of meeting you, or referencing Northwestern. They're gonna reference Northwestern, is what we're saying. They're like Missouri journalism students, but for life. Also, Tennessee's APR is the lowest in the SEC, and in this case it's not a crap stat because HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA Tennessee.

*****Literally, since the Northwestern edge may have to do with getting drunk and having sex in the arbors of the faculty's stately homes with great frequency. They won ten games last year, at Northwestern, and only lost to pretty good Big Ten teams. Keep up the drunk fucking in the bushes, Northwestern. It's working, but you're smart, and already knew that because you went to Northwestern, which you've mentioned.

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