This conversation really started as most important ones do: with Dick Vitale.
Some very confused Filipino girl checking her mentions this week noticed the new followers and creepy DMs, and then probably thought what you're thinking: that some terrifying American needed a lesson taught to them. Atop the roof of Dick Vitale's Florida home, clad in black silk and smiling, she rehearsed the killing moves of escrima, and plotted how she would take him out when he went for his evening walk, probably while he was checking twitter on his IPad, which was really a cardboard iPad cutout his grandchildren gave him from an iPad case. Magellan underestimated Filipino revenge, too, she thought, tapping her whomping club in the palm of her hand.
The second thought we had was this: that Martha Stewart would utterly wreck Dick Vitale in a fight. We were not alone.
This would not happen by a narrow margin: Martha Stewart, if you'll remember, has been to jail. Like, JAIL JAIL, Tina Fey. She also spent her pre-jail life pulling up rose bushes by hand, ripping the legs off furniture to repurpose them as other, weirder furniture, and probably taking turkeys out of the oven by hand while cursing underpaid and undocumented domestic staff for their cowardice in using "those pansy-ass kitchen mittens."
Martha Stewart told the Feds to go fuck themselves. Dick Vitale is no greater threat to her than an assistant manager at HomeGoods, and oh how sweet you're still looking for that assistant manager as if Martha Stewart didn't soundproof her underground prison.
Yet: is Martha the toughest lady in Foodcraft Fight Club? We have decided yes, but not before considering the competition.
1. Martha Stewart. In the Anderson Silva phase of her career: gifted, bored, and likely due for a historic beating and epochal defeat before her retirement. The champ stays champin' until then, though.
2. Anne Burrell. The Pam Poovey of this game. Earned her spot on Food Network by successfully beating Bobby Flay in a no-holds-barred kitchen match. Flay went for the fryer basket full of oil; Burrell countered with a dodge behind the walk-in door and a thrown creme brulee torch. Bobby Flay has been dead for years, and is only alive in reruns. Please do not tell anyone.
3. Sandra Lee. Grew up poor, so you know she's stolen food. Can't cook, so thus has had to fight for everything else in her life. Her height provides a good reach advantage, but heavy drinking cuts both ways as her reflexes have slowed, but she feels less overall in terms of pain, sensation, or anything at all, really. "The Wisconsin Wraith"'s best fighting days are behind her, but don't underestimate her in a corner. She has eaten human meat. She will do it again if she has to.
4. Rachel Ray. Undeniable motor, superb conditioning, and has never lost a fight by submission or knockout. Little power and endless endurance makes her the Nick Diaz of her sport, right down to the part where she hits you with a Flying Squirrel attack and calls you a bitch simultaneously. Has the short, flailing arms of a Tyrannosaurus. Has lost every fight by a judge's decision.
5. Paula Deen. Her conditioning is crap, but she hasn't had feeling in her extremities for years, so you would think chin/pain tolerance stays off the charts for the Southeast regional title holder. Unfortunately, this is not the case.
A fan favorite who has gone down a few weight classes to find her competitive level. Butter.
6. Nadia G. If Martha Stewart is Anderson Silva, then Nadia G. is the Chael Sonnen of the division.
7. Nigella Lawson. Great at the pre-fight presser, but deplorable cardio and zero counterpunch.
8. Ina Garten. Like Kimbo Slice, utterly lost when taken out of her element. Jeffrey can't help you in the ground game, Ina, no matter how many of his Yale Management School buddies are clapping from the edge of the Octagon. The flan, however, was DELICIOUS, and we did love it oh so very much. Is still the deadliest woman with a rolling pin we or anyone else has ever seen, though, so don't ever tangle with her in a street fight, especially in the Hamptons. P.S. Decent leg kicks, like those of an angry mini-pony.
9. Trisha Yearwood. Unproven in professional competition, but if you're a country singer of either gender then you're likely to be able to take a punch. Is married to Garth Brooks, who we presume has to be conditioned with violence like a dumb beast of the farm. Promising.
10. Debbie Mazar. Also new and relatively unproven, but hanging out with Madonna for decades will make a person more savage than the mind can really appreciate.
1,109. Giada de Laurentiis. Shouldn't even be near a kickboxing class, bruh.
NOTE: all of the above fight until there is one winner. That winner then faces the immortal spirit of an jacked four-armed Julia Child, also known as the Shang Tsung of this play. We call her BOUEF GOROGUIGNON, and she is the mightiest creature in the 48 dimensions of known reality.