Casting The Great Gatsby, SEC Coaches Edition

The Great Gatsby movie just came out. I love the book, and I-- unlike most-- loved the movie as well. The only way it could be better is if the cast were all SEC football coaches.

Let's kick this off, PAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWL.


Jay Gatsby: Joker Phillips

In the novel, Gatsby had all the assets he could ever want, but lost them when he died. All he wants is to be in love with Daisy. Joker Phillips had all he could ask for at Kentucky, but lost it all. All Joker Phillips wants is wide receivers.


Nick Carraway: Kevin Sumlin

Kevin's new here, just like Nick was new to New York. They both are likeable people thrown right into the middle of all the action, and you know by the end of the road their life will be in shambles. Welcome to the SEC, Kevin.

Tom Buchanan: Bret Bielema

.... No one likes Bret Bielema.

Daisy Buchanan: Les Miles

Daisy's conflicted, overdramatic and no one ever really knows what's going through her mind the entire novel. I'm also pretty sure Les Miles lives and dies by one of Daisy's quotes: "That's the best thing a girl can be in this world. A beautiful little fool."

It makes sense.

Jordan Baker: Mark Richt

Jordan Baker, much like Mark Richt, has been in New York for awhile. She's not associated with anything too closely, never lived up to her professional golfer expectations and has the most subtle yet important role in the novel.

Meyer Wolfsheim: Nick Saban

Wolfsheim, Gatsby's business partner, is the worst person in this movie. He gets whatever he wants in the most illegal ways possible.

Nick Saban wins everything so damn nonchalantly and gets all of the best high school athletes in America.


Myrtle Wilson: Butch Jones

Butch Jones seems like the perfect guy to play Tom Buchanan's trashy mistress. No, I'm not saying this just because his name is Butch.

George Wilson: Hugh Freeze

George Wilson is the husband of Myrtle, who in the end kills Gatsby. He's always worked so hard in life, but always stays in the Industrial hell of New York. Hugh Freeze puts in so much effort, but without fail, every year his team is bad.

Plot Summary

So, let's go over this. The Great Gatsby Joker is narrated by Kevin Sumlin, who moves to New York to go into the bonds business, only to fall into a lot of trouble. He lives in the West Egg, just next door to the young and insanely famous Joker Phillips. Sumlin visits his cousin Les Miles and her rich and snobby husband, Bret Bielema.

At one of his next large parties, Joker realizes that Sumlin knows Les Miles very well (Joker and Miles had an affair in Louisville a few years back), and makes Mark Richt (who knows both Sumlin and Miles very well) relay a message to Sumlin telling him that he would like to have tea with Les Miles at his small house.

During this time, Miles' husband, Bret Bielema, is having an affair with a trashy woman from an industrial part of town named Butch Jones. Ironically, Bielema has Jones' husband, Hugh Freeze, repair his car all the time.

Throughout the movie, tensions grow as Les Miles and Joker Phillips are having an affair while Bret Bielema and Butch Jones are having one of their own. Still, Kevin Sumlin is stuck in the middle.

Once Bielema realizes his wife, Les Miles, is having an affair, he gets incredibly jealous and decides to invite everyone involved over for tea. Once everyone arrives, Bielema exposes Phillips' illegal business transactions with the infamous Nick Saban, and how all of his money earned was illegal (he sold K2 and Spice to LSU students alcohol at drug stores during the prohibition). As tensions flair, Bielema and Miles decide they want to go into town. Nothing goes horribly wrong, so everyone heads back home.

When Sumlin, Richt, and Bielema drive through the valley of ashes to get back to their respective houses, however, they discover that Joker's car has struck and killed Butch Jones, Bielema's lover. Kevin Sumlin later learns from Joker Phillips that Les Miles was driving the car at the time of the accident, but that Phillips intends to take the blame. The next day, Bielema tells Butch Jones' husband, Hugh Freeze, that Phillips was the driver of the car.

Hugh Freeze, who has leapt to the conclusion that the driver of the car that killed Butch Jones must have been her lover, tracks Joker Phillips to his mansion and fatally shoots both Phillips and himself. Kevin Sumlin stages an upsettingly small funeral for Joker Phillips (no wide receivers showed up), ends his relationship with Mark Richt, and moves Texas A&M back to the Big 12 back to the Midwest to escape the disgust he feels for the people surrounding Joker Phillips' life.


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