THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/14/2013

Gregory Shamus

BRADY HOKE SLAMS ONE MILLION PIZZAS ONTO NOTRE DAME

BRADAAAYYYYYYYY HOKE. Manball does not flinch, nor die, nor hesitate from matchups with Papists. Unfortunately, the high standards of a Michigan Man are not universal, nor even carried any further than the noble borders of the Mitten State itself.

The double flying Notre Dame scissor kick AND dragon's fire nutpunch to Michigan State, executed in two sentences? That's making two pizzas out of one ball of dough. That's economy. That's Pure Michigan, dammit.*

*Pure Michigan may also be abducting Bob Seger for the ransom money one day and realizing it's just some old dude with a beard you pulled out of a laundromat. Definitions vary.

DYING WELL. 2009 Texas really deserves a lot of credit in this group because at quarterback they had "Garrett Gilbert," whom you may remember from the film "What's Eating Garrett Gilbert The Answer is Everything Including Small insects That Normally Don't Eat Things."

WALLS DON'T DESERVE THIS. Via @smartfootball, Jared "The Battleship" Lorenzen running an arena league zone read in 2011.

RIP, poor side barrier who didn't deserve any of the things that just happened to it.

MICHIGAN STATE IS MOVING THE GAS STATION OUT OF THEIR STADIUM. You can laugh at Michigan State having a fuel station in their current stadium, but Mark Dantonio knows that the best way to keep students from burning things is to keep the gas under lock and key. The new stadium will be moving that to another location, and it's been nice knowing you, East Lansing, because you will be on fire shortly.

GOODBYE, STEFON DIGGS. Even though we know it's a parody, the NCAA is probably outside your door pretending to have a warrant. (They don't have one, and never will, but bluffing never hurts per the NCAA's crack compliance division.)

ETC: Oh it would feel so very good to beat Bill Maher's ass. It's really hard to wake up our sleeping child, but we laughed hard enough at this last night to do it. Oh girl, you gone get turnt all the way up at the damn Steeplechase.

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