CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT BRAXTON MILLER'S HAIR

WHAT POSSESSES A MAN TO DO THIS IN THE YEAR 2013?

THEORY 1: Braxton Miller has become stricken with protanopia and cannot differentiate between green, yellow, and red. This was intended to be a proud scarlet coiffure but now he's probably going to throw three picks against Iowa and really I don't know why we fired Jim Tressel.

THEORY 2: Miller is sporting yellow hair with a red polo shirt because he is secretly being paid by Mastercard and you just knew Urban Meyer wasn't going to come here and fix this program, not with the game being as corrupt as it is all over. How long is that show cause Tressel got, again?

THEORY 3: The hair is actually a sentient parasite that travels from victim to victim, previously invading Kenny Stills, Tyrann Mathieu, and Sisqo. You know how many quarterbacks Sisqo ruined under Jimmy T? Not a single one, buddy.

THEORY 4: The coaching staff is gradually altering Miller's DNA to turn him into a canary, because they're spending too much time and money on recruiting to get a proper carbon monoxide detector. Good thing the NCAA only busts great coaches like Tressel for tattoo bullshit while gene splicing is totally fine, those damn crooks.

THEORY 5: Yellow is a color with strong cultural importance in China, and Braxton Miller changed his hair as a signal to Chinese armed forces that the time to strike America is now. Once they control the Ohio River, the occupying forces will install Miller as Warden of a floating prison ship as reward for his loyalty. AND IT NEVER WOULDA FUCKIN HAPPENED UNDER THAT SWEATERVEST PATRIOT.

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