THE CURIOUS INDEX, 04/03/2013

Chuck Cook-USA TODAY Sports

ARISE GREAT PUMPKIN

MARK EMMERT IS THE REALEST. Do you know what you call a man who can do some dirt and then flee the scene before the police show up? A GANGSTA, that's what. Also probably a self-interested politician who should be thrown out on his ass, but a gangsta first.

ANDY STAPLES IS NOT A LAWYER. Nor, to our knowledge, did he marry a cheerleader. And he hasn't publicly accused any college kids of being closeted homosexuals. So what gives him the right to give this helpful and complete analysis of O'Bannon v. NCAA? Go to Outclick The Coverage to find out more!

THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. Iowa State went to Memphis...and MADE money? There are only two explanations for this. One - Iowa State is lying because losing money is embarrassing. Two - Iowa State set a team bus on fire after wildly overstating its value to the insurance company.

FULMER'S GONNA GET TENNESSEE BACK ON TRACK. No, not that one. The other one. With the terrifying logo that looks like Jafar.

Buccaneerlogofinal_medium_medium

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T SEE IT.

NOTHING LASTS FOREVER IN THE COLD BIRMINGHAM RAIN. Goodbye, BBVA Compass Bowl. We don't know who will step up to replace you as a sponsor, though hopefully it will be a sewage company for maximum laughs.

GUNNER KIEL WANTS TO BE SEC. Tennessee, Ole Miss, or Mississippi State, specifically, all of which suggest to us that Gunner Kiel has a personal scheduling conflict on the date of the next three SEC Championship Games.

ETC. TOOTHPICK BEARD. We have docked you 200 points for this, Atlanta. Coaches - they're just like us, except insane!

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