OFFSEASON DEMENTIA: I WENT INTO A COORS LIGHT CAN

IT'S A LONG OFFSEASON. LET THE MADNESS IN AND IT HURTS LESS

I walked into the Coors Light can a skateboarder...

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AND I EXITED A RAD SURFER DUDE:

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I went into a giant Coors light can a secretary from Ohio and came out as A WEREWOLF WITH SHINGLES.

I went into a giant Coors Light Can and came out the same but with a horrible wheat allergy and colorblind.

I went into a giant Coors Light Can a blogger but came out as a pinata filled with bees.

I went into a giant Coors Light Can as Nick Saban but came out as Nick Saban but riding a kickass donkey called Victorydick.

I went into a giant Coors Light Can as a giant Coors Light Can and came out as a Coors Light Can and now the damn universe is broken whyyy Coors Light whyyyyyy---

I went into a giant Coors Light Can as a normal person but came out without feeling in my hands and no ability to tell if my beer was cold or not and then I killed myself, Coors Light, because you robbed my life of its only meaning. This is being written by a dead man with numb hands buried in a can of Coors Light.

I went into a giant Coors Light Can with Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, and Bob Hope and I came out on the other side with none of them and thanks, Obeerma, thanks a fucking lot.

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can wearing a pair of spectacles, and I came out wearing a Whizzinator filled with hot dog juice.

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can with a dachshund and came out with an elderly anteaters and I'm okay with this, because the anteater is way better than that mean fucking frankendog ever was. Come close, anteater; tell me of your ways, and the sweet taste of skin-scorching fire ants on your tongue.

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can a normal person and now I am Steve Spurrier. It's pretty awesome. Thanks, Coors Light.

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can as a smokeshow in hot pants and a bikini top and now I am in a world where no one uses the word smokeshow, and have lost all meaning in life. Please help me, Clay Travis. "Smokeshow."

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can a Ninja Turtles comic-book purist, and I walked out with the firm belief that the crossover anti-drugs episode with the Muppet Babies was canon.

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can an opera singer and now my voice is that of a strip club DJ and my "Nessun D'Orma" literally destroyed La Scala in 23 seconds flat.

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can and now everyone's speaking in nothing but reggaeton horn.

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can and into a world where there are just giant Coors Light Cans trying to rip my skull open and drink what's inside me.

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can and Terence Malick was in charge of it and now there's just this fifteen minute shot of Sissy Spacek with a cat on her lap while someone reads horrible poetry over it.

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can as a ripped dude and came out the other side as a fat man with Type Two diabetes and that's the last time I drink Coors Light Reality flavor.

I walked into a giant Coors Light can with my family Bible and walked out with a tattered Baby's Day Out coloring book and a blood-rusted dagger.

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can as myself and now am noted character actor Jeff Fahey. Body Parts 8: Where Does Evil Live (in my dick) coming to theaters in like fifteen minutes.

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can as a Mormon and walked out a Mormon because if I'm going to betray my faith for booze shit it's not gonna be for this raccoon piss, dude.

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can and walked out with a seasonal job as a pre-K ski instructor and a summer gig as a rescue diver off Key Biscayne. My skin looks like a Coach satchel and I just turned 29.

I walked into a giant Coors Light can leaving the world as we know it, and walked back into a world in which the Earth's gravitational pull was instantly reversed, everyone who was outdoors fell into space and died, the survivors rebuilt society by constructing networks of pulleys to tether them and ferry them about the planet, and everybody's buttholes in they armpits instead.

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can as Tim Tebow and came out as an NFL quarterback.

two roads diverged in a wood and I, I walked into a giant Coors Light can, and that has made all the effervescence

I walked into a giant Coors Light can a young libertarian and walked out a middle-aged divorcee with strawberry-blonde fingernails from all the rainwater I've been drinking.

I walked into a giant Coors Light can as Carson Daly with a handful of agar packets, and walked out as Adam Carolla.

I walked into a giant Coors Light can and shall live out the rest of my days as a humble light-beer widget.

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can and thaaaaaat's where Tyler Bray is.

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can and found Paul Reiser and I'm gonna stay in here as long as it takes to beat him unconscious so don't wait for a rad-universe version me to come rollerblading out the other side any time soon

I walked into a giant Coors Light Can and came out as what if I told you Nikola Tesla wasn't just an underappreciated genius but also the greatest black quarterback of the segregation era? Shock To The System: an ESPN 30 for 30 about the electrifying talent you've never heard of and also electrical

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