THE ALEX JONES MOCK DRAFT

LISTEN UP, SHEEPLE

Radio host Alex Jones is a deranged conspiracy theorist, and thus likely a football fan like the rest of us. Here is his mock draft.

1. WITH MY FIRST DRAFT PICK I SELECT ROBOT PEDOPHILE ARMY. UNSTOPPABLE AND SENT BY THE GOVERNMENT. BALTIMORE FANS WILL SAY THIS IS CODE FOR STEELERS FANS. STEELERS FANS WILL SAY THIS IS CODE FOR BALTIMORE FANS. THE SECRET IS THAT IT MEANS BOTH AND THEY HAVE CHEMICAL WEAPONS THEY ARE GOING TO SET OFF IN YOUR COLON SOMETIME IN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS!

2. WITH THE SECOND PICK I TAKE MANTI TE'O. HE WAS SMEARED BY THE NEW WORLD ORDER TO PREVENT THE MORMO-CATHOLIC AXIS FROM USING THEIR GOLD RESERVES HIDDEN IN THEIR HELMETS TO STALL THE COLLAPSE OF THE IRAQI GOLD MARKET. HIS REAL NAME IS ALGON IPSWICH AND HE IS JUST A WEIRD-LOOKING JEWISH GUY!

3. WITH MY THIRD PICK I TAKE LUKE JOECKEL. HE'S JUST A GOOD PLAYER AND YOU CAN'T GO WRONG WITH AN OFFENSIVE LINEMAN--ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S HAD HIS BRAIN INJECTED WITH MINIPEDES BY THE GOVERNMENT AND IS PROGRAMMED TO OBEY! BILL BELICHICK DID THIS BEFORE THE GOVERNMENT EVER THOUGHT OF IT!

4. WITH MY FOURTH PICK I DRAFT AN ENTIRE PACK OF STAPLES. THEY'RE JUST HANDY.

5. MY FIFTH PICK HAS BEEN TAKEN BY THE GOVERNMENT TO A BLACK SITE TO BE SEXUALLY ABUSED BY ELVES ON DMT.

6. MY SIXTH PICK IS UNFLUORIDATED WATER. FACT: THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE LEAGUE'S WORST TEAMS HISTORICALLY. FACT: UPON TAKING OVER JON GRUDEN FORCED HIS TEAM TO DRINK NOTHING THEIR OWN URINE OR DIET CHEK COLA. MOST CHOSE THEIR OWN URINE. FACT: THE BUCS THEN WON THEIR OWN SUPER BOWL, AND THEN THE LEAGUE IN CONCERT WITH THE MOSSAD AND BIG WATER FOUGHT TO HAVE HIM EXILED TO A STRIP MALL IN TAMPA WHERE HE SITS TO THIS DAY UNDER HOUSE ARREST GOING MAD AND LEAVING CODED MESSAGES ON A WHITEBOARD.

7. MY SEVENTH PICK IS PIERS MORGAN. I WILL THEN MAKE HIM PLAY QUARTERBACK FOR THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS. GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE---NFL DEFENSIVE ENDS DO. IF THE OTHER PLAYERS ON THE FIELD IN THE LAST BOY SCOUT HAD GUNS THAT WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED!

8. MY EIGHTH PICK IN THE DRAFT ARE THE LYING BUREAUCRATS WHO WILL MERGE WITH ROBOTS TO USE US AS BATTERIES. THIS IS NOT AT ALL LIKE THE MATRIX AND IS THE PLOT OF MY UPCOMING NOVEL "THE MATRICKS" WHICH IS ABOUT AN OVERWEIGHT MAN WHO BUILDS THE PERFECT WIFE OUT OF GUNS AND EMPTY PROZAC BOTTLES. SPELLING MATTERS, JACKBOOTED THUGS OF THE COPYRIGHT TYRANNY! YOU'LL HAVE TO TAKE MY PIRATED DVD OF AVATAR FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!!!

9. I TRADE MY EIGHTH PICK FOR 400 UNITS OF SHITCOIN, THE MONEY MADE OUT OF FECES. THIS IS THE DANGER OF A FIAT CURRENCY AND THE ONLY WAY WE STOP CHINA IS BY SERVICING OUR DEBT WITH BAGS OF POOP.

10. MY TENTH PICK HAS BEEN TRADED TO STAPLES FOR GOLD DOT COM. GIVE ME YOUR WORTHLESS GOLD AND I WILL GIVE YOU STAPLES, THE CURRENCY OF TOMORROW. REMEMBER: DON'T BE CAUGHT IN THE COLD WITH AN ARMFUL OF GOLD WHEN YOU CAN SECURE YOUR FUTURE WITH THE OFFICE-STYLE SUTURE.

11. MY ELEVENTH PICK IS MATT BARKLEY. ANAGRAM FOR MATT BARKLEY: TALK TAR BY ME. BIG TOBACCO ONLY WANTED YOU TO THINK IT WASN'T CONTROLLING THE COURTS!

12. MY TWELFTH PICK HAS BEEN ASSASSINATED.

13. MY THIRTEENTH PICK IS ANDY REID BECAUSE HE IS THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE AND BY THAT I MEAN HE'S EATEN SO MUCH MONGOLIAN BARBECUE IN HIS LIFE THAT HE IS NOW CHINESE BY DEFAULT AND THEY CAN'T BE TRUSTED BECAUSE THEY ARE TRYING TO DESTABILIZE OUR CURRENCY AND YAO MING THINGS.

14. MY FOURTEENTH PICK JUST THINK ABOUT IT FOR A SECOND THERE WERE THIRTEEN ORIGINAL COLONIES BUT WHAT IF THERE WAS A FOURTEENTH NOBODY TALKED ABOUT WHAT IF THAT FOURTEENTH COLONY WAS CALLED BIKINI BOTTOM AND WHAT IF BIKINI BOTTOM HAD A PINEAPPLE WITH AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC SPONGE LIVING INSIDE GODDAMN WHY ISN'T THIS XANAX DOING ANYTHING

15. MY FIFTEENTH PICK IS MICHAEL IRVIN BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE FOR A GOVERNMENT GOON TO JUST PUT HIS HANDS DOWN YOUR PANTS AND HAVE HIS WAY WITH YOU AT THE AIRPORT. HE ALWAYS SEEMS TO ENJOY IT WAY MORE THAN I DO BUT THAT'S JUST MIKE BEING MIKE.

16. MY SIXTEENTH PICK IS WORM-RIDDEN GOVERNMENT CHEESE THAT IS ALSO AN EXPLOSIVE. OR THE ARIZONA CARDINALS OFFENSIVE LINE. THESE ARE THE SAME THING.

17. MY SEVENTEENTH PICK IS JOHNNY MANZIEL BECAUSE TAXES ARE UNCONSTITUTIONAL AND SO IS THE NFL'S AGE REQUIREMENT. ALSO RESTAURANTS THAT DON'T GIVE YOU UNLIMITED ONION RINGS I DON'T CARE THAT THIS IS A BASKIN ROBBINS SIR I VOTE

18. MY EIGHTEENTH PICK IS LAVENDER. IT'S A LOVELY COLOR AND FRAGRANCE AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT IT, TALKING MOUND OF DIRTY LAUNDRY.

19. NINETEENTH IN MY MOCK DRAFT IS RESERVED FOR THE AMPUTEE DIAPER OVERLORDS OF BUFFALO. I'M NOT JOKING PEOPLE. ASK RALPH WILSON. THEY ARE REAL. I DON'T MAKE STUFF UP.

20. MY TWENTIETH PICK IS ONLY AVAILABLE ON MY LATEST DVD WHAT'S THE 411 HOW MARY J. BLIGE KILLED PRESIDENT GARFIELD. MEET ME AT MY CAR AFTER THIS IF YOU WANT TO BUY ONE. NO. COPS.

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