FURTHER ETIQUETTE TIPS FOR FOOTBALL FANS

A BRIEF REFRESHER ON BASIC ETIQUETTE WHEN DEALING WITH FOOTBALL FANS

In light of the continuing lack of uptake on the whole "don't get married on Saturdays in the fall thing," let's review a few basic rules about living with or near college football fans.

1. Don't make plans on a weekend in the fall. Plans are bullshit in general, and super bullshit when made in the fall. Someone called us the other day asking about doing something on a Saturday in September. Joseph Stalin had five year plans, and that is about all you need to know about people who plan obsessively.

2. Napkins are only to be used at table for cleaning one's hands and mouth. They are not for the blowing of noses, and they are CERTAINLY not for whatever you're doing under the table, Lane Kiffin.

3. DVR. The DVR will be 85% full at all times, and possibly worse. Do not delete any of it: that Sun Belt game that's been mouldering on it for 45 weeks contains a hidden code you need to stop someone from stealing the Constitution and recovering the lost gold of John Heisman buried beneath Grant Field.

4. In fact, just know that there are times when the best thing you can say is nothing at all. We know it is "just a game" and "it could have gone either way" and, when appropriate, that "the better team won." If we wanted to embrace rationality, we wouldn't have bought that 1995 RX-7 that's been sitting in the garage for four years. WE ARE GOING TO FIX IT UP AND MAKE IT AWESOME BE QUIET.

5. You do not leave early, be you attending in person or in spirit via the television. (That is how television works, per documentary classic Poltergeist.) Football is meant to jolt you out of your emotionless existence, for good and for bad, and that means you take the busted hands along with the Blackjacks. Besides, your alternatives are traffic or a Say Yes To The Dress rerun. SPOILER: There is needless screaming in both.

6. The fork above the plate is the dessert fork. The one furthest left is the salad fork. The next one in is your fish fork, and then you reach your dinner fork, aka the one you stab whomever made you put on a suit during a weekend for a formal event with because there is one pair of shorts you wear until November on weekends, and then one pair of horrendous pants you switch to for winter weather.

P.S. You shouldn't ever attend formal events anyway. We watch Mad Men. Formal events are solely organized in order to get some disgruntled mother-in-law ass for old WASP overlords like Roger Sterling. We're not against that, but wait until February for it.

7. If you attend a funeral in Alabama in the fall: it is a trap. No one dies in Alabama from September to January. Nice try, Child Support Enforcement officials of Lee County.

8. You may ask the football fan to opt out of the first hour of Gameday. In certain circumstances, the first hour and 45 minutes can be devoted to household tasks and errands. The final 15 minutes are mandatory, however, and not negotiable. Lee Corso might say "fuck it" on air again. Rob a person of this and you are the worst human ever.

9. Do not ask why the football fan is checking Twitter, even while driving to or through a grocery store.

10. One should attempt to suppress yawning in polite company, even if they are watching Big Ten football.

11. Gifts are a common social courtesy. Taylor Martinez brought you turnovers; not having something in return would be embarrassing.

12. When given the opportunity to eat endless amounts of grain, cows will consume far more food than they need to survive, to the point that they suffer acidosis and die. This is why we are watching the 11 PM kickoff of a Cal game. Do not turn it off.

13. When receiving an invitation, it is polite to respond as soon as possible, especially if you're a 6-6 Ohio State team bound for NCAA trouble and just dying to get a piece of that sweet Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl pie.

14. You should not wear a jersey in public. Football pants are okay, though. Long as you got the butt.

15. A traditional gift at the holidays is the gift of spice. Please be sure to clarify the definitions of this with your guests from Auburn to avoid an uncomfortable situation later.

16. It is impolite to ask about someone's sexual orientation. If you are a sports talk radio host, however, feel free to say someone is gay without any evidence or respect to their privacy, and then use it to fill air time.

17. It is common courtesy to hold a door for women and common sense to do it for Jadeveon Clowney, because that's a perfectly good door and there's no reason to let him ruin it.

18. Reserve personal space when talking with others. The common length between you and another in a conversation is an arm's length. Note: there is not safe distance between you and George O'Leary. Avoid conversations of this point at all times and in all situations.

19. Titles matter and should not be done away with cavalierly. To that end, you should call him Heisman Finalist Rex Grossman, and then you should finish making this hunch punch, pledge.

20. Never bring prepared food unless asked. The lone exception to this: when visiting Will Muschamp throw a raw steak in the corner as an offering. It delays the attack, and pleases the hostess.

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