JOKER PHILLIPS KNOWS HOW TO DO EVERYTHING

HE LEARNED A LOT AT KENTUCKY

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Joker Phillips appears to have taught himself photoshop at Kentucky, and now stays up until three in the morning creating Instagram recruiting materials in the Gator football offices. This may surprise you, but Joker had to learn a lot of things at Kentucky: how to line his own field, how to boil his drinking water, how to shoot game, skin it, and make the footballs himself, how to negotiate with the boss of Bowling Green Willie Taggart for the borax from the Western Trail that kept the grass stains out of Kentucky's uniforms.

You might think we're saying that coaching at Kentucky is basically like being in your own Jeremiah Johnson movie. This is exactly what we're saying, except that unlike Jeremiah Johnson's finale, the protagonist always dies in the end. Right now, Mark Stoops is sitting in a laundry basket beneath five feet of dirty towels in the Kentucky locker room, waiting for a grumpy bear to lose the new coach's scent trail and let him get back to washing the team's laundry.

P.S. This is why he carved "JOKER WAS HERE" over the door, Mark. The Pacific is the ocean without memory, and so is Commonwealth Stadium but for stadiums.

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