The EDSBS network of spies and thieves comes through again, providing us this e-mail straight from the Michigan State athletic department.
Hollis - great having lunch with you last weekend. Still can't believe you ate all that salad bar pudding. Crazy! Anyways, a few follow up ideas I've been kicking around:
- We need to place Coach Dantonio in the media spotlight. First, we can open his private life up by having him on HOARDERS since his house is just filled with old wire and bricks he calls his friends. This will humanize him without making him too weird because he's not pooping in jars like Nick Saban used to. Department must commit at least $3million to top flight Hollywood PR machine for maxim. MD product placement. Cameo in Fast and Furious as "cranky toll booth worker," guest arc on Girls, everything now, everything HIP AND RAW.
- P.S. those Saban jars are still all over the athletic department. if you find one put it on eBay. Alabama fans pay thousands for them.
- Three words: Quarterback Ryan Lochte. THIRD AND JEAH! Kid has Olympic sized swagger and is total media package. A must get. Pitch MD as "eccentric genius." Hire an animal for an offensive coordinator. Nothing weird or gay like a peacock, but something like a walrus. PETA will throw a fit but t-shirt sales will be off the charts.
- Vital that we tie Coach in with growing rap rock scene. Good friend Earl Simmons has already agreed to appear with him in SEVERAL mall concerts. Working group title - Mark Dan X.
- Need to do more to cultivate MD's bad boy image. Maybe have him part his hair on the other side every now and then. Double pleat Wednesdays. Night vision photos of him eating Twizzlers in his car. Ok if I register MarkDantonioUpskirt.com ??????????
- Have MD shoot a fellow coach in a darkened club. Candidates include Ron Zook (needs the insurance money), Mike London (says it tickles), Dana Holgorsen (falls apart on the witness stand), Larry Coker (already dead according to state records), Joe Paterno (is dead), Randy Edsall (made of wood from neck down)
- MD needs a signature scent. Consider titles emphasizing his masculinity and commitment to toughness: "42 Dive" "Beast Lansing, MI" or "Home Invasion"
- A few name alterations to consider: Marq, Marrk, mRk, SUFFER MY WRATH (pronounced "Mark")
- Associate Coach with an established, youth-friendly consumer product. One possibility from the confectionery industry:
(Please note that per MD's request these will just be pure chalk, no sugar whatsoever)
- GOALPOST ONE: By June we need Coach to be THE go to guy at events in the state of Michigan - Kiwanis raffles, Target openings, detours due to downed trees - MD needs to be there!
- GOALPOST BRAVO: Preseason MD is all over the airwaves but then boom just shuts it down completely. Makes public ask "Where's MD, The Funk Doctor?" Carefully spread rumor he's quit football and retired to ashram in Ohio.
- GOALPOST BRAVO TWO POINT TWO: Out of nowhere MD comes BACK to the game right before the season starts, but with fresh new look - totally ripped, bronzed, dreadlocks, leather pants, no shirt during games. ROCK STAR COACH THE NCAA WAS NEVER READY TO NOT LOVE.
- GOALPOST THE THIRD: Win eight games, lose bowl game.
Just some preliminary ideas but I think they can really take MD and Michigan State to the top and never look back!
Midwest Regional Advertisement Vice President
Jimmy John's Gourmet Sandwiches
"Inspirational Business Quotation"