Look, when you're a new program, basketball is fine. But football? Football is where that sweet, sweet money tree really takes root and blossoms. And it's easy enough to start, with the help of Bunkie Perkins and Martin Rickman!
HEAD COACH: Houston Nutt wants this job. He wants it so bad he will show up in a mobile home with eight signed recruits before you've even announced you're starting a football program. You'll be tempted to hire Houston Nutt - he's a three time SEC Coach of the Year, after all! But you're not going to hire Houston Nutt. This is your new leader:
RICK MORANIS. Experience building a program from scratch using players other teams passed on? Check. Innovative strategist? Check. Knows how to kill man-eating plants that try to take over mankind? Even if they can sing surprisingly well? Double check.
FIELD: We're starting from scratch here, so that means keeping in mind that whatever you build should be something students and alumni generations down the road can be proud of. Something that will reflect the character and tradition we'll inevitably create.
1. FOOTBALL'S FIRST GLASS BOTTOM STADIUM. You have not seen the read option until you've seen it with a horde of motherfucking sharks just seventeen millimeters away.
2. Fifty yard line features a stunning likeness of Florida Gulf Coast's founder, Wes Borland.
3. Endzones are also snake pits. This is not a design feature, but we've called like three different animal removal guys and they keep flaking out on us.
4. Permanent fire in sections 33-37. The bank can't repossess a building if it's engulfed in flames! That's just the law.
5. Hooters Family Fun Deck. We started building this on our own because, you know, fuck if I'm going to pay some contractor to get a bunch of dumb permits that I don't even need. Construction has never been finished, so it's a railing-less death platform eighty feet up. Perfect for corporate events!
6. Open seating design, because Fort Myers is not for the weak, bro.
7. West side of stadium opens directly onto the ocean. Danger of massive damage due to hurricanes and the like? Um, let me teach you a little French, buddy. The word is "insurance" and it means "free money."
(Please note that there is still ample space available for the placement of a statue honoring Florida Gulf Coast's first and only Heisman winner, Chris Rix.)
PLAYERS: You may be surprised to learn that the animatronic models at Disney's Hall of Presidents can be purchased for pretty cheap, assuming you can pay in cash and you have your own truck and you can show up between 3 and 4 in the morning. James Madison has a hell of a kicking leg.
SECURITY: Force everyone to wear boardshorts if they want to get in. That way, nobody can sneak in a katana.
TICKET SALES: Don't be a fool and staff an entire ticket office and marketing department. That's wasteful. Let your fans work WITH you. For only $10,000, a fan becomes a "brand manager" and is given a promotional pack, including licenses to sell season tickets. They sell those licenses to "brand associates," who could be anyone - teenagers, desperate retirees, the financially illiterate, you name it - and then those brand associates sell season tickets to "brand representatives." The season ticket money gets paid up the
pyramid revenue stream and before you know it, home sellouts forever!
You see an abandoned K-Mart. You know what I see? ZERO POLICE PRESENCE. That's a practice facility, right there, and during the offseason, we can tap into Florida's #1 industry - hosting boat shows.
SCHEDULING: It's getting harder and harder to get fans to travel to bowls and away games, so make sure you pick road opponents that are a) located somewhere with exciting local culture and b) close enough that we can get that 18 wheeler of Coors there in time, lest we lose our best boosters, Big and Little Enos Burdette.
PROMOTIONS: A new football program can take some time to find success on the field, so you'll need alternative giveaways and activities to keep people showing up. Possibilities include:
- Free scratch-off tickets for kids under 10
- Drink-And-Huff Whatever You Want As Long As It's In A Paper Bag Night
- Spuds MacKenzie Beach Towel Day
- Rain check policy on tickets includes ATF raids
- Bad Credit? No Credit? Doesn't Matter!