THE CURIOUS INDEX, 3/19/2013

THE CURIOUS INDEX DEMANDS SECESSION

AHAHAHA JIM DELANY WANTS TO SECEDE. Oh ho ho ho ho ho Jim Delany wants hisself a secession, sonny.

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"...it has been my longstanding belief that The Big Ten's schools would forgo the revenues in those circumstances and instead take steps to downsize the scope, breadth and activity of their athletic programs," Delany wrote. "Several alternatives to a 'pay for play' model exist, such as the Division III model, which does not offer any athletics-based grants-in-aid, and, among others, a need-based financial model. These alternatives would, in my view, be more consistent with The Big Ten's philosophy that the educational and lifetime economic benefits associated with a university education are the appropriate quid pro quo for its student athletes."

In response: AAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA BYE. Patrick Hruby already dynamited this whole thing for us, because he's a giver like that. You see, the greatest part is that everything Jim Delany is saying is technically concordant with all legal contracts, and he will repeat it and the bizarre fictional universes that could result with the cancellation or modification of those contracts. They have nothing to do with reality, but it's at least referent to a rule, and thus sounds like it's right and just. He's so much a lawyer that he is incapable of doing anything but lawyering, his JD having crept into his brain and taken over the whole apparatus. This makes him very good at his job, and also incapable of saying anything against the interests of his client.

The tricky part for counselor Delany is that he is effectively his own client as head of the Big Ten, and there is one very tired phrase about that arrangement. P.S. You ain't doing shit, son, sit your ass down before Michigan, Penn State, and Ohio State do their own secedin'. No one should ever listen to Jim Delany say anything about anything.

Meanwhile, this is the SEC right now in response:

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ROLL BASKETBALL TIDE. Don't ask how Jason Kirk's all-college football bracket turns out with an Alabama national championship it just does so shut up OKAY SHUT UP AND ROLL TIDE.

MEANWHILE OVER AT THE NCAA. Those rules we said we'd use are in fact not going to be used because we basically are just making this up as we go.

STRONG MUSTACHE GAME ON THE PLAINS. Nebraska has no desire to relinquish their student mustache crown.

TRESSEL DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO USE ANYONE ON OFFENSE. Seriously, we remember when this first happened and Ohio State fans actually said "Tressel never recognized the offensive weapon that was A.J. Trapasso!"

ETC: You go, Moldova. This essay about The Shining will break your brain. MIAMI THINGS.

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