Kim Klement-US PRESSWIRE
A MESSAGEBOARDBOYZ.NET PRODUCTION
Florida State to the Big Ten is such a fucking nutballs unpossible designer impostor realignment rumor that it is not worth taking the time to explain away. (And it is definitely not worth linking to, but if you're really curious, google "spurious message board bullshit" and then throw your computer into a lake.) But! We can still imagine the delightful juxtaposition that is a hypothetical schedule for FSU, Legends Division Member.
AT MICHIGAN STATE
It's not the four point loss that puts Jimbo Fisher on the hot seat, but, rather, the seventeen players hospitalized for frostbite due to insufficient cold weather equipment. "It's just how I pack," Fisher says at the press conference, "I only worry about what will be comfortable on the plane and forget everything else."
The Seminoles jump out to a two touchdown lead at halftime, and Iowa responds by recovering a surprise onside kick to start the third quarter. Guilt-ridden, Kirk Ferentz calls for two kneel downs and a punt, insisting that two wrongs never make a right. (He will later hire a Tallahassee sex worker as his recruiting coordinator.) Florida State improves to 1-1 in the conference.
Jim Delany slowly pours his untouched brandy down the drain. He needs his mind to be sharp tonight. "Queequeg," he calls, "bring me the Florida State contract, if you would." Dutifully, the manservant, who is a housecat, places the file on Delany's lap. The Commissioner rests his hand on the folder and gazes at the television, where a shirtless Seminoles fan with a "SEABASS GONNA GET ASS" neck tattoo is pantomiming...well, it doesn't appear to be medically safe, certainly. She can't be younger than 60. "Find a loophole, Jim," he mutters.
Things proceed pretty normally for the first quarter or so until Bill Lemonnier feels a tapping on his shoulder. "My microphone's not working," Ron Cherry says to him. Calmly and patiently, Lemonnier explains how Florida State is no longer an ACC member and offers to let Cherry watch from the sideline. "Right, but if my mic doesn't work, I can't tell the crowd that the penalty was for illegal ankle-wranglin' or unsportsmanlike motion."
It's an easy win for Florida State, but it doesn't happen without the quick action of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit, which issues a Temporary Restraining Order blocking Michigan's hastily passed PURE Act, a law requiring proof of a passing score in three or more Advanced Placement classes to enter the state.
Turnovers, penalties, and special teams miscues plague a clearly unfocused Seminole team, and Northwestern leaves Doak Campbell as the victor. When asked how he motivated his team to face such a powerhouse, Pat Fitzgerald simply holds up a picture of Wake Forest's 2006 team and says "Seriously."
Do you know how much blood is in a human body? More than you think. Let's just leave it at that.
It's a closer game than expected - FSU wins, but only thanks to a missed Illini field goal - but the real story is how many Illinois players defect after the final whistle. Many innocents are "disappeared" by Tim Beckman in the aftermath. (Don't freak out. That's just what the term he uses for putting people on the offensive depth chart.)
Technically, Jim Delany won't be declared dead for months, since his body is never found. But nobody holds out much hope.