FULMER CUPDATE: UNDERAGE DRINKING AND BENNY MARDONES

SOMEONE HAS TO GET TEENS DRUNK IN UTAH

Underage is a term that carries way more lethal stopping power now than it used to, since a full 45% of love songs written before 1990 centered on the theme of "man, she's sixteen, let a 42 year old man find love where he finds love." There are a thousand examples, and for a long time we stood by the assertion that none eclipse the eternal creepiness of Benny Mardones' 1980 classic "Into the Night."

We were wrong. There is something creepier than than the song "Into the Night." That thing: the original video for Benny Mardones' "Into the Night," featuring a goblin-faced Benny Mardones in a sleeveless striped t-shirt stalking a sixteen year old girl through a window, and then through a spectral statutory rape Tardis, and finally on a magic carpet that smells like Night Train and old cigarette smoke.

If Benny Mardones released this song today, he would be arrested.

Underage, however, can mean a lot of things. It can mean Benny Mardones deflowering a girl on a thrift shop rug while her dad passes out drunk in the next room watching wrasslin' on a Monday night, or more benignly it can mean doing what people have been doing for centuries: giving alcohol to minors to make friends.

Utah State, fortunately, is only guilty of the latter:

Doughty, 21, was boating at Sand Hollow State Park outside of St. George on Tuesday when rangers pulled up to the boat for an inspection and discovered two underage drinkers, according to a probable cause statement filed Wednesday in 5th District Court. The two females took breath tests that were positive for alcohol and said that Doughty and another person on the boat had purchased the alcohol for them, court documents state.

Doughty did the chivalrous thing by taking the blame for everything, and for that earned a misdemeanor charge of providing alcohol to minors. For that he and Utah State receive one point in the Fulmer Cup for the misdemeanor charge, and oh you say he's got a mugshot--

Screen_shot_2013-03-18_at_12

--and that's two points for Utah State, since if anyone's ever going to get a bonus for giving underage ladies beer in Utah, it's going to be a man with that mullet.

P.S. this is the most horrifying still from the original "Into The Night" video:

Screen_shot_2013-03-18_at_11

THIS IS WHAT RESTRAINING ORDERS ARE FOR

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9341_tracker