THE FUTURE IS IOWA FOOTBALL

Shaun Botterill

AND IT IS TERRIFYING IN ITS MODERNITY

You think you're the only one that can have nice shiny things, Alabama? Oh, how wrong you are. BEHOLD.


THE IOWA BLUNDERDOME. Highlights!

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- Ample parking available for vehicles of all size. Including whichever Iowa fan owns this PT Cruiser, which is possibly the most depressing combination of bad decisions.

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- An entry room with a giant flatscreen that shows "Kirk Ferentz's Most Mundane Moments," an 18 minute video of the coach looking for misplaced keys, filling an ice cube tray, staring at the Jumble but never writing anything, and eating a bag of shredded lettuce.

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- Dudes in suits just wandering around by themselves. They will approach you and ask if you favor transitioning to a more fast-paced offense with lots of intermediate and deep passing routes. If you say yes, you will be sedated and taken to a corn silo, where you are left to die.

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- The Consensus All-American Cafetorium, featuring Tim Dwight's hot dog stand, Footlong Returns, and Shonn Greene's vegetarian cart, 2 Chards Per Carry.

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- A charming lounge for players, featuring video games, table tennis, and...is that POOL? OH YES, WE'VE GOT TROUBLE. RIGHT HERE IN IOWA CITY. WITH A CAPITAL T AND THAT RHYMES WITH P AND THAT STANDS FOR POOCH PUNT.

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- "Say, what's 'Enter The Black' mean?" "Shit, man, don't say that out loud." "Don't say what? 'Enter The Black?' Why?" "You did it again! Please, PLEASE don't say it a third time." "You're being crazy. 'ENTER. THE. BLACK.'"

And then Herky appears out of nowhere dressed in a gimp suit.

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- A state of the art team meeting room, where the entire roster can review that one Full House episode where Michelle wants to be the star of Yankee Doodle but then that damn Derek shows up and just crushes the audition and look I don't know how to pull up the video of the Iowa State game because it keeps telling me there's a QuickTime error okay

- And, of course, an impressive new strength and conditioning facility, where student-athletes can...actually, I have no idea what this exercise does. Other than fuck up your back, I guess. This is why they put disclaimers on the gyms at the Residence Inn, Iowa.

Pretty nice, right? Get ready, Outback Bowl!

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